slightly cosmopolitan

 

They make me happy when skies are gray!

So.

Can we just establish two things at the outset and then move on?

1) My mental health is hanging on by a thread.

and

2) I feel dumb saying this because I don’t see any good reason why I should be so anxious and overwhelmed.  But I am, and it has prevented me from writing, thinking clearly, and generally being present in my life.  I’m terrified of losing this pregnancy, terrified of bonding with this baby, terrified of juggling a third child, and just plain terrified.  So I figured I’d better at least admit it and move on.

I’ll have more to say about it later, I’m sure, but not now.  I just felt disingenuous posting other things that make everything look peachy when the reality is I’m just squeaking by.  I’ll be okay.  I know that, but it doesn’t make the present any easier.

Moving along.

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In what is quite possibly the strangest craving I’ve ever had, I am dying to eat some hotdogs.

Hotdogs!  This troubles me deeply!

I wouldn’t call myself a vegetarian, but I do tend to avoid meat in most meals.  Primarily because meat is disgusting.  Right?

I’ll use chicken or beef broth and I’m always up for a few slices of bacon, but it’s a rare day that I sit down to a chicken breast of a thick steak.  So much meat.  All at once.  Gag!  It’s even rarer for me to sit down to a meal comprised basically of fake or mystery meat.  But I walked by the hotdog case today at the grocery store and could hardly stop myself from drooling!  So, I bought some.  Totally under the guise that they’re really for Gabe.  But they’re not.  I might have one (or three) of them.

I’m gagging a little bit thinking about it.  But I still want them.

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It occurred to me recently that although Isla’s still nursing, she doesn’t do it often and it’s mostly for comfort since I think my supply has completely tanked during this pregnancy.  With another baby on the horizon this year, I thought this would be the perfect time to take a little weekend getaway with just Tahd, since once I’m nursing a new baby I won’t be going anywhere for very long.

Commence frantic planning.

One thing I hate about Tahd’s job is the amount he as to travel.  One thing I love about his travel is the fact that he earns frequent flier miles, hotel points, and car rental credits.  In theory, these things should make the trip super inexpensive.  In reality, attempting to juggle all these free points and convincing them to play well together on one weekend?  Nearly impossible!

I think I have a plan now, though.  Just one last hurdle, and we’re good to go.  I hope!

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Mother’s Day weekend was so lovely!  I received breakfast in bed and had a wonderful meal with my own mom.

 

I had to work on Sunday, so my breakfast in bed came on Saturday, which was a nice adjustment.  Dinner with my mom was on Sunday after my work shift had ended.  It was the perfect way to end the weekend!

At the last minute I remembered I wanted to take a few pictures with the kids.  We tried.  Isla chewed her fingers and Gabe vamped.  I figured that was close enough to success!

 

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I forgot how much I love Crazy Stupid Love until we watched it last night.  So good.  You should watch it.

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I listened to the baby’s heartbeat today.  It was in the upper 160s.  People tell me girl, but I’m still thinking boy.

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It’s bedtime…night!

What I really want to say…

|| my heart is very full this weekend.  We celebrated Mother’s Day today because I have to work tomorrow, and I couldn’t imagine anything more perfect than a lazy day at home with Tahd and my babies.

|| this week marked three years since we lost Mara on Mother’s Day.  I try to keep “her day” confined in my mind to May 9 to allow myself room for celebration on Mother’s Day, but I’m still a little tender around all these days.

|| lately, remembering Mara makes me think about all the women who desperately want to be mothers but don’t have babies yet or don’t have their babies here on earth.  If you are one of those women, please know you are on my heart, and every ounce of my being hopes that your wish comes true.  Soon.

|| I heard the baby’s heartbeat on the doppler twice this week.  I don’t think that sound will ever get old!  Unfortunately, it doesn’t do that much to allay my anxieties, so I try to limit its use pretty dramatically.  Especially this weekend.  I’m irrationally afraid of not finding the heartbeat on Mother’s Day again, just like with Mara.

|| Gabe’s class had a Muffins With Mom event on Friday.  They each drew a portrait of their mother and we had to guess which picture was ours.  It took me three guesses! With clues!  lol  This is what Gabe thinks I look like.

|| when I arrived at school, Gabe was milling around in the hall waiting for me. He saw me from a distance and immediately barreled toward me with his arms outstretched.  It was the sweetest moment! He’s not usually exuberantly affectionate, so that hug was particularly special.

|| I think I love this advice on motherhood best of all:

“Before becoming a mother I had a hundred theories on how to bring up children. Now I have seven children and only one theory: love them, especially when they least deserve to be loved.”
Kate Samperi

Isla took a big bite of bar soap the other day in her bath.  When I realized what she had done and took the soap away from her, she looked at me, smiling, and said, “Yummy!”

Isla has started waking up before 5:00 each of the last few mornings.  I’m not a fan.  It doesn’t look like she is, either.

 

Gabe thinks I’m crazy because I won’t let him use a pocket knife to whittle a block of wood while riding in the car.  I have several problems with this scenario, and none of them involve me being crazy.  I find myself quite sensible.  And safe.

My mom came over a few days ago to get Isla for an hour or so.  Isla apparently realized what was happening, because when she saw Grandma on the porch she started chanting, “No! No! No! No! No!”  I let Grandma into the house and Isla looked at her and then chirped, “Bye bye!”

Gabe has informed us that he doesn’t have enough time to get dressed/ready in the mornings before school.  He wants us to wake him up at 7:00 and give him until 7:45 to get dressed.  Does this seem excessive to anyone else?

I love going to the bookstore.  We went today and each found a new book. It was an unexpected stop.  Had we been planning to go out I would have dressed Isla in something other than the insanity she was wearing (leg warmers, a sun romper, and a sweater, none of which matched).  And shoes.  I would have given her shoes.

Oh – and I heard the baby’s heartbeat on the doppler yesterday!  Big yay!

So…

I’ve sort of shut down.  I tried really hard not to, and I was sure once the ultrasound was over that one way or the other I’d find my way out of my anxious funk.

But I haven’t.  Which caught me by surprise. And it is actually getting worse, not better.

I hate feeling this way, both because it’s a really sucky feeling, but also because it leaves me feeling so ashamed.  I have everything; my life is so full and blessed and I feel lucky beyond measure.  I have every reason to feel hopeful, happy, light, thrilled, and celebratory.  There’s no good reason for me to feel anxious.  So, why can’t I shake this?

When I realized I was feeling ashamed, I thought about the things I’ve learned while I read Daring Greatly and The Gifts of Imperfection, and knew I had to say it.  So here I am, saying it.  I’m irrationally anxious and I’m disappointed in myself for it.

I’m trying to go back to some of the basic things, the things I know work for me – sleep, easy meals, gentle exercise, sunshine, simple expectations, and a little extra fun.  And even though I know it’s the right thing to do, I’m still trying to muster up the courage to get in touch with my counselor to help me navigate this.  I know she’d be great and I love talking to her, but it still makes me gulp a bit to think of actually saying, “I need help.”

Off to do a little yoga before bed.  It sounds like the perfect way to finish off the day!