Today

The emails have started trickling in again…

I have to travel to ____ next month.

Do we have anything scheduled the first week of ____?

Which days would you rather I be gone – x or y?

They tell me Tahd’s busy travel season is upon us again, and I feel like groaning a little bit on the inside.  I love that my husband is a hard worker, and I love that my husband loves the work he does.  I especially love the opportunities his job has afforded us, namely, the chance to tag along to some locations we otherwise wouldn’t have visited.

I think it’s mostly Jude’s sleep that keeps me feeling super anxious.  His daytime sleep is hit-or-miss, and I wake up with a little anxiety every morning thinking about what the day is going to hold.  Most days hold a lot of crying.  You’d think I’d be used to it after almost a year, but I’m just not, and being the only adult around for it is crazy-making for me.  Take today, for instance, when I texted Tahd the totally calm and realistic statement that I was in the second level of hell.  Sometimes, I wonder what it must be like to be Tahd and get my random, melodramatic texts.  Entertaining, perhaps?  Anyway, Jude’s better than he was, for sure, but neither of the other two were quite this needy and I’m tired.

Speaking of tired, I’m just plain old tired from limited sleep, too.  Sunday night was particularly short, and Jude didn’t really sleep during the day on Monday so I couldn’t catch a nap.  Last night was only moderate and Jude didn’t sleep much again today, so I got to this afternoon completely exhausted – as in I could hardly hold my eyes open on the way home from school pickup.

When we got home, I set out to finish dinner preparations, a squash-based macaroni and cheese with baked sweet potato sticks.  I slid everything into its respective pots or pans and asked Tahd if he’d be willing to wake up up when the timer rang so I could catch 10 or 15 minutes of shut-eye.  I snuck upstairs and promptly fell asleep, only to awaken to the smell of overdone sweet potatoes.  Rushing down the stairs, I found that instead of 10 minutes it had been 30, and although he’d sweetly thought he would finish dinner for me and let me sleep, he didn’t know that I had altered the sauce recipe and intended to finish it when I came down and didn’t realize I had anything in the oven – hence it burned.

There it was – my whole dinner.  A disaster!  I wanted to cry.  And because I’m easily angered when I’m tired, I also wanted to be mean.  Thankfully, the years have taught me some measure of maturity, and instead, I clamped my mouth shut as tight as I could so I’d avoid saying things I’d regret and set to work making dinner…again.

So that was my day – not exactly the most successful, but we made it (and I wasn’t mean) and some days, that’s enough.  Today, it was for sure.

Swagger

After nine whole years of research and planning, we’re finally doing it.  We’re buying a new (to us) car.

Nine years!

Yikes!

I know it doesn’t take most people nine years to buy a new car, but our car situation has been a little bit of a fiasco, and I’ve always been scared to pull the trigger because our first car-buying experience was super stressful.  Tahd and I would probably tell slightly different versions of the story.  In his version, we told them a number, they said they could hit it, and they came in $5 over, and he wanted to walk out.  In my version, I wanted to buy a car and people were angry and there was conflict and I just wanted people to take however much money they wanted and let me leave with the car and make the conflict stop.  Conflict avoidance FTW!

Second, of course, was the car payment thing.  We haven’t had a car payment since 2005, and that has been N.I.C.E.  I highly recommend it!  But we’re not in a position to buy a car outright right now, so I knew we’d be financing part of our purchase, and I haven’t been eager to add that expense to our budget until now.  Well, I’m not eager to add it now, either.  I just know I can make it work now, even if it’s not my favorite.  ;)

All that to say a new car!  Yay!  It’s a used Honda with higher mileage, but it also has heated seats, which is totally unnecessary, but the rest of the criteria (price included) fit the bill, so I’m not complaining, especially as we come into winter in Wisconsin!  Total swagger wagon.  I feel ridiculously cool.

<ahem>

After I’d dropped off the deposit check to the dealership today, I called Tahd to courteously inform him of the shocking realization I had that this is quite likely the car in which Gabe will learn to drive.  WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?  How is it that I am preparing for my offspring to learn to drive?  The way we buy cars, it’s quite possible that we will own this car when Gabe graduates high school.  OMG – WE COULD MOVE HIM INTO COLLEGE IN THIS CAR!!!  I just…I’m speechless.

I know they say the days are long and the years are short, but they really were not joking.  There is so much more I want to do with him before he leaves our little nest, so many more experiences I want to have with him and places I want to go.  Chop chop, I guess.  Better get busy.  It doesn’t look like things are going to be slowing down!

The Moment – End of the Week

Catching up from the end of the week.  I have a Thursday pictures to share, but Friday’s picture was overruled by the 9-year-old subject and I forgot to take anything on Saturday.  So a few extra from Thursday and today to make up for it.

judecribpullback

thursday || in Isla’s crib – we put him there when we need a minute because it’s contained and he’s fast and goes for the stairs if he’s free || he usually loves it

judeincrib

usually

swordfight

 they’ve been playing together some lately, which is awfully cute || this is sword fighting

hhhippos1

 sunday || Gabe showed her hungry hungry hippos || she loves it

hhhippos2

fallfamilyphoto

 we tried family photos tonight on about 35 minutes notice, with one hour to go before sunset || probably not our best idea…

The Moment – Tuesday and Wednesday

crumbs

 

tuesday – jackpot! || just like a puppy || I found him under the table, happily eating the crumbs from Isla’s muffin

crackers

wednesday – still making the crackers || still a bad plan || still can’t stop eating them

On Thoughts of More

It had been a long time since Tahd and I had been on a date, so Saturday night couldn’t come quickly enough since we were eager to bask in an evening alone together.  In public.  With fancy food.  And wine.  And no crumbs.  Which is also known as “without kids.”

I love my kids, but oh, how I love my husband!  These dates are like manna to me, taking me out of our usual daily routine of co-parents and reminding me of butterflies and starry eyes and why I fell in love with him in the first place.

Of course, I began the evening with a rousing conversation starter.  “So, do you want to have more babies?”  Nothing like jumping into a long-awaited date with two feet!

He looked at me with appeared to be a simultaneous gulp and chuckle, and I thought too late that maybe I’d better work on my skills of breaking the ice.  Of which I apparently have none.  In his signature phlegmatic style, though, he took it in stride with a, “Maybe.  You?”  And thus began the conversation.

littlegabe

After we had Gabe, I wrestled with whether to (and when to) have a second child.  Like, really wrestled with it, tears and anxiety and everything.  I’d never made a big decision for another person, and deciding to have a second child seemed like I was making a monumental decision for my son, changing his life forever without any input on his part.  Yet, all those hours I spent worrying were ironically wasted since I didn’t realize unexplained infertility would be taking the driver’s seat.  I can’t say I’m glad to have gone through that experience, but I can say I love my family like this, and I’m not sure we would have gotten to this point without it.    It was hard, but in the end there were good gifts.

_MG_1831e small

After we had Isla, I knew we’d try for a third.  I knew we wouldn’t try in the same way we’d tried for her – hormones and shots and procedures and blood draws were a thing of the past. If it happened, it happened, and thankfully, it did.

Jude face 3

Since Jude, I’ve been on the fence about more babies.  His pregnancy, delivery, and colic were so different and difficult that every bit of me screams a resounding, “NO!” when I think about inviting a repeat of that experience.  But he’s also becoming fiercely independent lately, and gone are our sweet, cuddly nursing moments of the newborn days, and I just can’t imagine not having that one more time.

Tahd and I both agreed that we really like what we have.  A family of five fits our lifestyle.  We can still fit into a regular car and hotel room, our current house – although cramped – works, and it seems like things are going to start getting easier from here.  We also both agreed that we don’t have to decide now, though, even though as Jude approaches a year and I’m getting closer to staring down the face of 40, I know we don’t have long.  And of course, who’s to say I could even get pregnant again?  History isn’t on my side.

I asked Tahd what he thought we’d probably decide in the coming months/year, and he said he betted we’d decide to be done.  I said the same thing, and he asked me if that made me sad.  I caught my breath while I told him it did, and that’s what gives me pause.  I’m not sure I want to stay in the baby phase, but I’m also not ready for it to be done.

How did you decide to – or not to – have additional children?  I’d love to hear other perspectives!

Also, I’ve been over at Loving Motherhood More completing a 31-day series on more intentional, engaged motherhood.  I’d love to have you check it out!

31dayslmmbuttonsmall

Back tomorrow with Tuesday and Wednesday’s pictures – I’m writing at Barnes and Noble tonight and forgot the memory card.

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