Randomness

1. In the last 24 hours I have chewed an entire pack of gum.  Can we say anxious?  lol  To be completely honest, I’m working on my second pack as I type.
2. We definitely know why the wii controllers require hand-straps.  Gabe was playing Mario & Sonic at the Olympics today.  During a particularly vigorous motion, he clocked himself in the nose full-force. Thankfully he was wearing said wrist-strap because I can only imagine how much worse the damage would have been if he hadn’t!  Lucky for us this only involved a lot of crying. No bones or personal property were broken and nothing bled.
3. I broke my iTouch’s “Words With Friends” app.  I don’t know how.  I had a bunch of games going and now I can’t access them!  I try to launch the app and it just kicks me back out to my home screen.  *Annoying*
4. Speaking of iTouches (or iPhones), everyone who has one should get Airport Mania and iTouch Pets.  We are in love with these games – all of us.  They are loads of fun.  Gabe especially loves the pet one.  He has a virtual dog he named “Cinnamon,” and he regularly feeds, clothes, grooms, takes out, and trains his puppy.  Truth be told, I also care for his puppy every night before I go to bed just to get him some extra points.  But I have fun while I’m doing it!
5. In the time it has taken me to write these five points, I have chewed 8 pieces of gum.  I’m either a slow typer or a fast chewer.  I’ll let you decide!  ;)

It was nearly 40 degrees today and I spent much of it with my windows open.  Can we say spring fever?

Bliss!

The highlights of our day…

Creating a present for a friend.  Nothing big – just styrofoam balls covered in moss.

And then using some leftover moss to create a little display of spring for my dining room!

And the best part?

Our first bike ride of 2010!

I love pink cheeks!

Here are the specific details about my Home Notebook, which is pretty, fun, and hopefully helpful!  ;)

Supplies

I got a plain white binder, found some scrapbook paper, and trimmed it to fit into the sleeve on the spine.  I used rub-ons to label it.  I also put the same patterned paper in the sleeve on the front so I smile when I pick it up and see its prettiness.

Second, I purchased the cheapest page dividers I could find because I knew I’d need a lot of them.  Mine are plain white with erasable tabs.

Section One – General Information

I have my Emergency Information sheet in the front of my binder, along with a small section for general calendars.  My general calendar contains a year-long calendar as well as my birthday calendar.  I won’t have to refer to these things often, but – especially for the emergency stuff – if I need it I want to be able to find it quickly.

Section Two – Specific Calendars

I got 12 dividers and labeled them, one for each month.  Behind each tab I put the corresponding month’s calendar.  Behind the month-long calendar, I put 4 (or 5 as necessary) weekly calendars.  Behind each weekly calendar I put seven daily calendars.

Then, I got a post-it note.  High tech, I know.  A paperclip would probably be a better choice, but I had ample post-its handy so that’s what I used.  I put the post-it note on my daily calendar for today’s date.  That way it’s easy for me to find today.

Also, I rotated the current month’s section to the front.  So right now my Calendars section begins with March.

I printed monthly calendars for the entire year, but I did not do the same thing for the daily or weekly calendars.  I printed weekly calendars out through May and did daily calendars out through April.  I figure I can print more as I go.  That way, if I need to make changes to the page designs I don’t have to waste hoards of paper.

Each calendar fulfills a specific purpose.  The monthly calendars allow me to easily keep track of special events and appointments, even doing so far in advance.  I record those sorts of things on this calendar.  It also gives my husband a condensed version of what’s going on in our lives.  He’d be lost if he had to wade through my chicken scratching on the more detailed calendar pages.

The weekly calendar contains several different blocks.  There’s a block for each day.  Honestly, I haven’t found this very useful at this point.  It’s only useful in that it forces me to rewrite my appointments, which, as I said in the prior post, helps me remember the commitments I’ve made.  There’s a block for daily to-dos.  I could have put this on the daily calendar, but the inspiration design for the weekly calendar had it on the weekly docket, and I liked the way it looked.  Although I deleted them for the printable, my daily to-dos include exercise, writing a blog post, devotions, making beds, taking my vitamins, and taking my prescriptions.  Obviously I don’t do all these things every day.  However, I’ve found there is value in keeping track of these things on a daily basis.  Keeping track of them also motivates me to do them more often.

There is a small section for  meal planning.  Basically, I record the five meals I want to serve to my family during that particular week.  I don’t assign these to specific days.  I’ve tried that in the past and it doesn’t work for me.  I’ll inevitably forget an evening appointment on a day I’ve planned an elaborate dinner, and once I mess up it’s hard to get back on track.  It’s easier for me to pick a few meals and serve them whenever I feel inspired.  Also, I don’t plan 7 days worth of meals.  We often go out once or twice during the week, and we also do a pretty good job of eating our leftovers.  Planning seven meals would be overkill.

Beside the meal planning section is a shopping section.  It’s divided up to include the sections I use most.  It helps me to create my shopping list in some sort of order.  That way I don’t have to wander all over the store three or four times.   This section is too small in my opinion.  I expanded it a little bit, but I think I might remove the “Notes” section and expand it even more.

Finally, there’s a block for my cleaning rotation.  On a separate sheet of paper I divided my realistic cleaning tasks into four groups.  In the first week of the month, I do the first set of tasks.  During the second week of the month I do my second set of tasks… and so on.  If a month has five weeks I use the fifth week for special projects.

My rotations look like this:

Week One – vacuum upstairs; dust downstairs; clean bathroom; straighten spare room

Week Two – vacuum downstairs; dust upstairs; clear desk and files

Week Three – vacuum upstairs; clean bathroom; wash kitchen floor; clean out car

Week Four – vacuum downstairs; change sheets; clear desk and files; write Compassion kids

It’s really bare bones.  Ideally I’d do a lot of things differently (i.e. more often).  And really, I do more than this.  I do a quick vacuuming here and there.  I wipe down something in the bathroom every single day.  But as far as getting myself into a routine and making sure things get a minimum of care, this is going to be my rotation.  Also, it helps that our house is pretty small.  We have 1500 square feet spread over 2 stories and have only one bathroom.  Cleaning my house isn’t rocket science.

Section Three – To-Dos

In my life, I fulfill several roles or have several categories.  There are probably more than these, but I tried to keep things as general as possible while still being specific.  My To-Do categories look like this:

• Homemaker
• Parent
• Wife
• Family & Friends
• Ministry
• Blog
• Finances
• Crafting
• Decorating
• Spiritual Life
• Personal Care

Each category has its own divider, and in each category, I put a To-Do list.  Then I exhaustively searched my brain to think of every possible outstanding task I could remember and wrote them down.  I have a lot to do!!!  If I start a special project at some point – for example, if we decide to redecorate our bedroom – I might put a second To-Do page behind the “Decorating” divider for the specific steps I need to take to redecorate our bedroom.  This way, things can stay separate but together as needed.

Next, I made a separate divider labeled “Next Do List.”  Behind this divider I put another To Do list.  Then I searched through my To-Do categories to find my next actions in each category and wrote them on my Next Do list.  This way if I have a few spare minutes, I quickly and easily know some of the things I should work on next.  I also use my Next Do list to help me plan my days.

Section Four – Miscellaneous

I have a few sections in my binder that are currently empty.  For example, I have a Contacts tab, a Holiday tab and a Financial tab.  I will eventually expand these sections because I know they’ll be useful.  But right now they’re empty until I figure out how to best use them.

Some people might want a school section if they have children in school.  Others might want a health section to keep track of certain health information.  Actually, I have a separate binder for this information.  I used to use it more than I do now, but it’s still nice to have because I cram everything that is medically-related into that binder.  Even if it’s not organized, I know where the information will be if I ever need it again.

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Now for the printables!

If you’re interested in experimenting with this system, please feel free to use my printables.  I tried to take out most of the personal preferences and information so they’re blank and ready for someone else to use.  The fonts used are primarily Quesnell (downloaded for free from Font Garden), Ali Edward’s handwriting font (I don’t know where I got it but it was also free), and Century Gothic.  The weekly planner was inspired by The Design Girl.  You’re also free to share them with others.  The only thing I ask is that if you share them or modify them and share them, please leave the credit on the sheet.

PDFs

• Weekly Calendar
• To-Do List
• Emergency Information (with corrected Poison Control Number)
• Daily Calendar
• Birthday Calendar

Word Documents (editable, although sometimes the formatting doesn’t carry over well)

• Weekly Calendar
• To Do List
• Emergency Information (with corrected Poison Control Number)
• Daily Calendar
• Birthday Calendar

I am a very organized person.  Oh yes I am!

In my head, at least.

I keep an amazing amount of information organized in my head, and I can retrieve it with relative ease when asked.  This skill infuriates Tahd.  He’ll claim I never told him something while I can remember the exact conversation – blow by blow – in which I told him.  This fuels a second argument between us, one related to his listening skill.  Marriage is fun, no?

Although I can store and retrieve a lot of information in my mind, I’ve come to learn it’s relatively ineffective to keep track of everything in that way.  Deadlines can come and go without me ever realizing there was a deadline.  I lose track of things because there were no reminders along the way requiring me to recall the information.  Most often I forget about something until the very last minute and then scramble to complete the tax on-time.  Organization is no good if you forget to recall!

Please tell me someone else relates to this!

Several years ago – before Gabe was even born – someone introduced me to Flylady.  Blessed Flylady.  Cursed Flylady.  My feelings on her are mixed.  She is so… legalistic, I guess.  You have to get dressed.  To your shoes.  Everyday.  Your sink has to be shiny around the clock.  You do things like flings and boogies and frankly all sorts of things that end up making your home look better but make you feel like a bit of a dork in the process.  At least they made me feel like a dork.

One thing she recommends is what she calls a Control Journal.  Sounds positively joyful, right?  Yeah… Basically, a Control Journal contains everything in your life you need to keep track of – your schedule, important phone numbers, medical information, birthdays, to-do lists, daily routines, monthly routines, meal plans, and so on.  Given my love of packets, the Control Journal looked like a lot of fun, in spite of the negative connotation that I had to be controlling (i.e. micromanaging) my life.  So I made one.  And I used it.  And it worked.

There were some little glitches along the way, not the least of which was the fact that I gave birth to a child and my world totally changed.  I was far more concerned with sleeping longer than two hours at a time than I was filling out pages in a binder.  So I filed it away and promptly forgot about it.

One of the things that keeps me most defeated in life is my anxiety.  One of the reasons I feel so much anxiety is that I’m juggling a lot of balls in my head, frantically trying to make sure I don’t drop any.  This is certainly not the only reason for my anxiety, but it doesn’t help.  In an effort to relieve a bit of stress in my life, I decided to resurrect the Control Journal.

I’m also working on the skill of happiness, however, and the idea of micromanaging my life sounds positively torturous.  So I decided this time would be different.  It would be streamlined, fun, and pretty.  As such, it also has a new name – Heidi’s Home Notebook.

Cleaning Schedule

First up was the creation of a cleaning schedule.  Normally when I set out to create a home cleaning schedule I think of all the things that need to be done and the frequency by which they should be done.  I end up with what seems like dozens of tasks to do everyday – boring tasks; monotonous tasks; mind-numbing tasks.  It’s like going from zero to sixty in 3.9 seconds.  I currently dust my house approximately once every three months.  Do I really need to start dusting it twice a week?

Instead of creating a “perfect” cleaning schedule, this time I created a realistic one broken down into five sections – one for each week of the month (the fifth being a week devoted to special home projects since not every month has five weeks).  I followed the suggestions from Steady Mom about Intentional Cleaning.  I focused on the essentials, thought about how often I do them now, and thought about the next step I could take toward improving my home management skills.  Instead of dusting twice a week I broke my dusting down into two sections and will do each section once a month.  If dust starts bothering me more often than once a month, I can spot clean anytime I want or I can adjust my cleaning rotations to include more dusting.

Calendars

Next up was a calendar.  I decided to include three types – a monthly calendar so I have access to a month-at-a-glance view of my life.  This is where I’ll record future events.  For instance, I am already aware of some events that will be taking place in May.  Rather than write these on a daily planner, I’ll record this on the month view for May and will fill out my daily calendar when I get closer to May.

I also included a weekly planner.  At the end of each week, I’ll transfer any pertinent information from my monthly calendar to my next weekly calendar so I can keep track of  my week-at-a-glance.  I’ve included other things on my weekly planner as well, including a space to plan meals, make grocery lists, keep track of little goals, and other things.

Finally, each night before I go to bed, I use the information from my weekly calendar to plan the next day.  These are more specific versions of my weekly calendar and allow me to highlight appointments, due dates, and things of that nature.

I know it seems like a lot of copying.  I could streamline the process by only writing things once.  But I find if I fill out my daily planner too early I don’t have a good picture of what I need to do on that day and the day starts looking cluttered.  The clutter makes it hard for me to identify the most pertinent items requiring completion.  Also, rewriting things helps give me a concrete reminder of my goals.  I’m not a tech user in this regard for that reason – my mind is wired to remember things when I write them moreso when I type them.  Tell me something and I might (i.e. probably will) forget it.  Get me to write it down – even if I don’t ever look at the paper again – and I’m much more likely to retain and use the information.

There are a lot of online resources for organizational tools like this.  If you Google “home notebook” you can find lots of free printables.  I used a monthly calendar from Vertex42.  Although I found weekly and daily calendars I could have used, I wanted these to be highly customized and FUN!  Instead, I opted to make my own.  I’ll link up to them at the end of this post.  The weekly calendar I used was inspired by the weekly calendar by The Design Girl.  I would have paid for it except it didn’t track exactly what I wanted to track.

Miscellaneous

I added some miscellaneous pieces to my notebook – an emergency contact page, a year-at-a-glance calendar, a birthday calendar so it’s easy for me to take a quick look and see whose birthdays are in each month.  I’ll eventually add a section for financial information as well as a section for contact information.  I’ll add these to my links at the end, also.

To-Do Lists

The next major feature is my to-do list.  To-Do lists have been notoriously challenging for me.  It’s easy to dump everything on them and end up accomplishing nothing from them.  They can get really discouraging for me.  Last fall I was gifted Getting Things Done by organizational guru David Allen.  The book is geared more toward people in the business field; I found it difficult to translate his system from the business field into my stay-at-home-mom role.  However, my adaptation of the to-do list system (if I’ve understood it correctly) is working really well for me.

Basically, I’ve divided my life up into several roles.  I’m the homemaker, a wife, a mother, a friend/daughter/sister, a ministry director, and more.  Each area has its own category.  I think I have a total of 10 categories?  If I end up working on a special project I’ll either add a new category or make it into a sub-category of one of the larger categories.

For each category, I did a “brain dump.”  I brainstormed everything I need to do – every single to-do item I could remember.  My goal was to get it out of my head and onto paper so I don’t have to use my mental energy remembering lists.  My lists have ended up being fairly long and since I did this in the middle of the night I know they’re not complete.  I need to revisit them to make them more complete.  The more information I put on paper, the less clutter I have in my mind.

The secret to these lists is the next step.  I’ve looked at each category and selected one or two items that I’ve put on a master list.  I call it my “Next Up” list.  In his book, I think Allen calls it a “Must Do” list.  Periodically (weekly, maybe?) I will revisit my individual lists and update my “Next Up” list to help focus me on the things on which I need to spend the bulk of my energy.  I use the same To-Do form for each of these types of lists – I just have a separate categories.  Each role has a section and the “Next Up” list has its own section.

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In my next post (which I will publish later today if all goes well), I’ll explain the layout of my binder and link to all the files.  I was going to do it all in one post, but I realized this is getting super long.  I want to break it up so it’s not gigantic.

I’ve been working on it, these baby steps to happiness.

Step One – Win the lottery.

Step Two – Wear a size 2.

Step Three -

Wait… I think I’m looking at the wrong list!

No, I’m thinking more about my “fake it ’til you make it” strategy, and plan which is in full force.

Step One – Light!

I couldn’t take it.  I just couldn’t take it anymore.  Our house felt like a cave.  So I tore open the shutters and threw up the sash took down some curtains and opened the drapes.  Now the windows look kind of funny and it sounds a little hollow in here, but it’s much, much brighter.  And – I’m hoping – much, much happier!

Step Two – Affirmations

Several years ago I purchased a small packet of daily affirmations.  They’re not magical or disarmingly powerful.  They’re simple. Comforting.  True.  However, three years on the same pack of 25 affirmations and I think I need some new cards!  I’ve decided to make my own and will be adding these affirmations to my stack.  But if you have other thoughts, I’d love to have more!

Happiness is just around the corner.

Acknowledge the emotions lying beneath the surface.

Take a deep breath. Inhale the goodness of creation.

Hidden in your nagging weaknesses are seeds of strength.

It’s going to be alright.

Revel in the mundane.

You are capable of more than you could ever imagine.

No moment is more precious than this moment.

Step Three – Music

Although I love music, I find I’m often overwhelmed by extraneous noises.  So I don’t typically listen to music.  Add to the mix a 5-year-old and I find I get really overwhelmed by noise.  There’s a lot of it around my house!  Lately, however, I’ve been creating calming playlists and playing them when Gabe is busy or when it’s nap time or bedtime.  I’ve also been making an effort to choose music above tv when I’m not particularly invested in the television program at hand.  Unfortunately, I seem to be invested in a lot of television programs.  Perhaps I’ll have to address that issue later.  But certainly not in the same time period as The Olympics, the season finale of The Bachelor, Dancing With the Stars, and Jason and Molly’s wedding.

Step Four – Inspiration

I stumbled onto this blog recently.  Specifically, I stumbled onto the birth story of her newest daughter, Nella.  To say it took my breath away would be an understatement.  Truly, it even took Tahd’s breath away.  Read it.  It’s worth it.   I love this blog.

One of her recent posts talked about how every day she gets up and tells herself she’s a rockstar and spends the day trying to embody the rockstar mentality.  She said:

My sister says picture a person who models what you’re going through exactly how you’d want a role model to show it. Then become that person.

Rockstars, they hold no allure to me.  But the idea of a role model stood out to me, and I’ve been thinking about it ever since.  For a while I thought about real-life role models.  I’m blessed with many – my mother, my sisters, my grandmothers, several wise women I’m blessed to know… In the end, however, I decided a real-life role model felt like too much pressure.  As much as I need something inspiring and substantial, I also need something light and fun and unrealistic.  It is too easy to compare myself to a real-life person and begin to feel down and disappointing.  I need inspiration that keeps me distant from my tendency to criticize myself!

As such, I decided I wanted to look for a famous role model.  I’m looking for someone who’s inspiring, who is a great mom, who soaks up life and has a super fun time, who is pretty on top of things/successful, someone who seems to take care of herself, someone who projects a really happy persona.  So far, I’ve thought of (or had suggested to me) Maya Angelou, JK Rowling, Stephanie Meyer, the mom on Caillou, the Dalai Lama, and my two personal favorites, Jennifer Garner and Kelly Ripa.  I actually woke up this morning and thought “What would Kelly Ripa do?” And I knew she’d be flying around the house with laundry that folds itself and cookies that bake themselves and land on my child’s plate like they do in the Electrolux commercial.  I’ll let you know if that ever works out for me.  But I’m looking for other suggestions.  Who would be a fun, inspiring famous role model?

Step Five – Organization

I’m going to work on a post with more details about this.  I made some printables that I thought I could share in case, too.  This is a holdover from my teaching days.  I love packets.  Love packets.  There is nothing like a 15 page packet printed front and back and freshly stapled.  Yum!

I digress… Anyway, hopefully tomorrow I’ll have more details about my organization plan.  I’ve tried these in the past and never stick to them.  But right now?  Right now my plan is making me smile, and that’s all that matters in this moment.

Step Six – Study

I haven’t started step six yet.  Step six makes me curious, and curiosity keeps me engaged.  Engagement makes me happy, so I’m thinking this should help.

When I set my New Year’s goals this year, I decided I wanted to attempt to read the entire Bible.  Note – I’ve set this goal many other times in the past and have yet to achieve success.  So we’ll see how far I get.  Currently I’m working on the Chronological Reading Plan listed on YouVersion’s website, a plan that takes you through the Bible based on when each book was likely written rather than the order in which the books are typically placed in the Bible.  It’s pretty reasonable so far – only a few chapters a day.  But as expected, I’m woefully behind.

I was reading in Genesis – I can’t remember exactly where – and found a short story about a person who was infertile.  It might have been Abraham and Sarah or it might have been someone else.  For some reason it struck me: the Bible is full of people who were infertile.  Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel, Hannah, Manoah’s wife, Michal, the Shunamite woman, Elisabeth…  This intrigues me.  There are greater problems the Bible spends less time discussing.  I want to know more.  I need to investigate.

Step Seven – Showering

Yeah, showers of the soap and water variety.  Here’s my secret.  The more depressed I get the more of a chore it is to shower.  Or get myself ready for the day.  Or get out of pyjamas.  Several weeks ago I went 10 days wearing the same pair of pyjama pants, taking them off only long enough to run to the store or clean myself up a little bit.  My hair went uncombed.  My face went without makeup (which, I have to say, hasn’t seemed to have done my pimple problem any good!!!!).  My laundry went undone.  Coming from the girl who has shaved her legs and applied makeup every single day for years, this is a dramatic change, one that doesn’t seem to do me any favors.

So I’m making an effort.  I don’t have to do everything, but I have to do something.  If I want to wear pyjamas, I’m making myself put on clean pyjamas.  I don’t have to style my hair, but I do have to comb it.  And showers?  They’re on a strict schedule.  No swaying.  I feel a thousand times better when I’m clean and dressed, and it is entirely within my control to get myself into that condition each day.

Step Eight – Health

Early in our marriage, I became ill and was eventually diagnosed with several things, one of which was Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.  I know many people consider this a fictitious illness.  But after having been diagnosed with it, I can assure you it is not fake.  Complicated and erratic, yes.  Fake, no.  My doctor told me that only approximately 50% of people get well, and of those who recover the vast majority will recover within the first 12 months.  Thus, in my mind I had a deadline – 12 months to figure out how I got sick and what I needed to do to fix it.

I was tossed around to several doctors and eventually stumbled into a program through a doctor in Annapolis, Maryland.  This doctor, Dr. Jacob Teitelbaum, was in the midst of studying CFIDS (the more technical name for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome – Chronic Fatigue and Immune Dysfunction Syndrome) and was having relative success with a protocol that has later been labeled the SHINE protocol.  My local doctor was open-minded and supportive and helped me work through several elements of his program.  To my pleasant surprise, I got lucky and recovered.

Although I don’t think I’m currently dealing with a reactivation of that illness, I do think my current experience often mirrors the symptoms from my prior experience.  As such, I decided to revisit his plan and start implementing the most critical pieces.  For me, this means some lifestyle adjustments and supplements – lots and lots of supplements.  I was pleased to see that since I went through the program initially there has been new research on a particular supplement (d-ribose) and it has shown incredible promise with people who deal with fatigue.

Hopefully over the next six to eight weeks I’ll know of I’m on the right path with these health changes.  If you are a person who deals with CFIDS, Fibromyalgia, or just general fatigue, exhaustion, or a less-than-effective immune system, I’d encourage you to check this out.  There are many things you can do – free things or over-the-counter things – to help yourself feel better.

So that’s my plan, at least at this moment.  I love having plans.  I’m not always great with execution, but this one has developed more organically and feels right.  The steps are little enough (shower more often, anyone?) and fun enough that hopefully I’ll stay on track, at least as long as I need to.

But to refresh, I’d love your input on two things.  First, I welcome any brief affirmations I can add to my stack of affirmations.  Second, if you can think of any inspiring females, I’d love to add them to my list so I can select a role model or two!

Oh Canada..

GO Canada!

Nobody knew it, but I’m at the Olympics. Let me show you around!

1. Note the Olympic Rings.  That’s the flag.  Flags are necessary when it comes to the Olympics.  You can’t see it in this picture, but Gabe has a printout of the Olympic flag taped to his chest and a printout of the Canadian flag taped to his back.  There are also other printouts taped in various places around my house.  I’d like to say Gabe drew these rings, but it wouldn’t be true.  I did.  It’s possible I have the artistic skills of a young child.
2. Note Gabe’s head.  If you were to suggest he was wearing a hat and a pair of safety goggles, you would be wrong.  He is wearing a helmet and ski goggles.  Big difference.
3. Also note Gabe’s shirt.  Olympians wear colorful shirts.  (??)  I wrongly got out a yellow shirt with a bright white, blue, and red sailboat on the front of it.  This was wrong.  Olympians wear colorful shirts that are striped. Like, duh!
4. Note each cluster of Olympians.  Specifically, we have Chinese athletes, Canadian athletes, American athletes, and Russian athletes.  His choice.  When we watched the Opening Ceremonies (which Gabe believes should be called the Opening Ceremony because there was only one ceremony) he begged to stay up until Russia walked in.  Yes, Russia.  No, I have no idea why he was waiting for Russia.Also, in this picture note the fact that Gabe himself is standing on the Canadian podium.  Along with Tahd.  I’m on China’s.  Earlier in the day I had done something (written on his whiteboard) in a way he didn’t like.  Being on China’s team was my consequence.
   
   Gabe has finally decided to embrace his Canadian roots. Hence he’s on the Canadian Olympic team rather than the US team.  A lesser known fact is that if a Canadian citizen born on Canadian soil has a child in another country, the Canadian citizenship of the parent automatically passes to the child.  Because I was born in Canada, even though Gabe was born in the United States he automatically receives Canadian citizenship in addition to his American citizenship.  I think this is very cool.  Until the Olympics, Gabe has found this fact to be akin to a heritage of mass murderers.  Tell him he’s Canadian and he would scream vehemently, “I AM NOT CANADIAN!”  Now – all thanks to the Olympics – he is Canadian and proud.  He even knows the Canadian national anthem, top to bottom.  Does a maple leaf girl’s heart proud!
   
5. I’m sorry, Russia.  You have no medals.  Evgeni Plushenko, take that!
6. That little thing below the USA’s podium?  That’s not a donut, no.  That’s a speed skating rink.   The USA won its medals in speed skating.
7. See that little thing sticking up out of the stick-man’s head?  That’s actually a gun strapped to the athlete’s back a la the biathlon.  Canada won its medals for the biathlon.  Go, Canada!
8. If you look carefully, you’ll note the letters “BLNT” over the Canadian silver medalist’s head (who is Tahd, by the way).  I had to ask Gabe what they stood for.  I kid you not, this is what he said:
   
   Better luck next time!
   
   
   It is taking everything in me not to add the word “sucker” to his vocabulary.

So welcome to Vancouver 2010.  I hope you enjoyed your tour!

Fresh on the heels of yesterday’s decision to attempt to bring more positivity and joy into my life?

1. I got 4 hours of sleep.
2. The one day Gabe tried to sleep in and get caught up I had to wake him up because we had places. to. be.
3. But I ran late.
4. And I got a speeding ticket.  A big one.
5. And I walked in on a teacher telling my son, “You’re being a very bad boy today!”
   (Note: he was not. Teacher?  Meet Mama Bear.  Rawr.)

I’m good now even though I wasn’t before.  But Wednesday, you can kiss my behind.

Thursday? Bring it!

I’ve been having flashes of memories lately.

I remember the antics we had to go through to get Gabe to feed when he was brand new.

I remember how terrified I felt when we ran tests on carcinogens in 8th grade science class.

I remember driving away from my grandparents’ house when we were moving to Ontario from Nova Scotia.

I remember taking a deep breath and swimming to the bottom of the deep end of the pool at the Shirks Aquatic Center so we could touch the grate in the floor of the pool.

Sometime over the last several weeks, I fell into the pit.  I don’t like the pit.  It is not my favorite place to be.  And the funny thing? I didn’t know what pushed me in.  Usually I can point to an event or a series of events, things that were too much for me to handle.    Yes, I was sick as winter began.  Yes, I had surgery.  Yes, it was a lot to undertake.  But I thought I was starting to rebound.  I thought I was on the upswing.  Clearly I was not.  And I didn’t know why. But then I remembered.

In mid-2o07 I had a miscarriage.  The elation of being (briefly) pregnant was almost unfathomable.  I trembled with excitement, and then with grief when I knew it wasn’t to be.  And then – eight months later – I fell into the pit.  A deep, dark, lonely pit that felt bottomless and seemed unending.  I couldn’t be sure, but after spending some time in the abyss I wondered if the timing wasn’t coincidental.  Did my body remember that had the pregnancy worked I would have been delivering a baby at that point?  Was the pit so deep because my body was grieving?  Was it my body’s way of acknowledging the loss and processing it physiologically?

I recently remembered this, these wonderings.  Although I had to calculate it out to be sure, it occurred to me that I am now eight months past our ivf, a time when I was technically pregnant for at least a brief period of time.  Again I’m left wondering – does my body remember?  Does it remember what was and what could have been?  Does it remember the energy and love we poured into those embryos?  Does it remember what we prepared to attempt to accomplish?  Did it take me to the pit to finish the grieving process?

One thing is sure.  The body and the mind are intertwined.  The body’s grief is the mind’s grief and the mind’s grief is the body’s grief.  I’m hoping the converse is also true – that the mind’s joy can become the body’s joy and that the body’s joy can become the mind’s joy.  For me, there’s a fine line between living in the moment and wallowing in the moment, but I think I’m due for a foray into the “fake it ’til you make it” realm.  We need a little joy around these parts, and if it’s not coming naturally I think I might try fabricating it.

How’s this for a little joy?

There.  Much better!

After a harrowing conversation in which I begged Tahd for his insight into my life and then proceeded to reject the things he said at every turn, I have determined what my problem is. (Yes, Tahd, in spite of my obstinateness I was listening.)

I don’t want to give up but I’m too wounded to keep hoping.  When I feel overwhelmed by the scope of my hopelessness, I feel compelled to give up and then feel angry.  When I feel overwhelmed by the idea of giving up, I feel lost by the sense of hopelessness and feel despair.

I think that’s why I find myself asking Tahd every day if I’ll ever be happy again.

Tahd says I need to change my mental schema.  I reject that.  Hence the harrowing conversation.  Nothing like asking for advice and then arguing with the one who loves you enough to give it to you!  ;)

I don’t want to change my mental schema.  I feel hopeless.  I don’t want to be argued out of that.  But I don’t want to give up.  I don’t want to let the dream die.  I don’t want to be argued into enjoying what I have.  Not that I don’t enjoy it, but that I have to let it fill the entire void.  It doesn’t.  I don’t want to pretend that it does.

Tahd doesn’t get why I let myself hold two conflicting and equally distressing underlying beliefs.  I think he feels I could substitute or focus on some other beliefs that would be less distressing.  But I’m don’t want to.

I’m having a temper tantrum.

So nyah.