A funny thing happened in the last month. I did a flip-flop.
Jude turned 1 in November, and although I’d been on the fence about if I wanted more kids, his first birthday made me absolutely certain of how I wanted the future to unfold. I couldn’t imagine never celebrating another first birthday, never watching a little one seemingly reach new milestones every day, never having a doctor place a squeaky new baby on my chest and proclaim, “Congratulations!” I wanted another baby. I was sure.
I don’t know what changed, but about 6 weeks ago something shifted and I’ve gradually gone completely to the other side. Another baby? HA! Me? No way! Please don’t make me go through the drama of a sleepless first year again! And colic! Colic is not worth the risk! Please don’t make me start over! And, most importantly, please don’t make me do another torturous pregnancy!
Jude, my favorite little elf
It’s the pregnancy part the has always made me hesitate. Jude’s pregnancy was far from easy. And not just hard, but risky.
In the hospital with a blood pressure headache. Fun times.
When I developed preeclampsia, I spent a lot of time trying not to panic that I was going to start seizing and leave my children with a vegetable as a mother. I’m sure that was good for my blood pressure…
Gabe meeting Isla
On the other hand, the wonder of a newborn and the relationships between siblings are the things that have drawn me toward another child. There’s just nothing like them – no replacement. I’ve never doubted my feelings about these things. They’re precisely why I pushed through infertility for so goshdarn long without giving up.
Full hands, happy heart. And Isla got a giant black eye about 5 minutes after this happened.
But I’m 37, and I’d be at least 38 by the time I had another baby, maybe older. I’d be higher risk due to age and prior medical issues. We currently fit in a regular rental car – no upgrade to a van or SUV necessary. Regular hotel rooms still accept us. A 3-bedroom house, although not ideal, is doable. Plus the biggie – I have my hands full.
When I think about all of this, I still feel a little pang, so I don’t think I’ve made my peace with a final decision yet. But I think I’m moving in that direction.