A New Leaf

First off, the ultrasound was absolutely wonderful!  We saw a perfect gestational sac and yolk sac containing a tiny baby measuring 6w3d.  And Houston?  We have a heartbeat!!!  It was tiny, a faint little flickering, beating away at 126 beats per minute!  The room let out a collective sigh of relief.  And by room, I guess I mean me.  I don’t think anyone else was quite as worried as I!

In spite of the fact that less than one year ago I had no less than seven uterine ultrasounds and one uterine surgery, I seem to have developed a fibroid.  <sigh>  Luckily (I guess??) the fibroid is well out of the way of the baby.  The ultrasound tech told me if I had to have a fibroid then this was the type of fibroid I wanted positioned in the perfect place.  I’m going to take her word for it and enjoy the fact that it has written me a pass for a few extra ultrasounds.  I go back for a follow-up in a little over two weeks and am looking forward to getting another peek!

I’m trying to be brave.  I am.  I even changed my playlist to reflect my attempt at turning over a new leaf.  In all honesty, I went to Kelle Hampton’s blog and basically stole half her playlist.  lol  I still haven’t recovered from reading Nella’s birth story.  I mean that in a good way, though.  I read a lot – and I especially read a lot of blogs.  There have been a few entries that have stayed with me and have helped me redefine the way I think.  This was one of those.

I want to embrace my life – as it is. Without abandon.  Unfettered by fear.  Staying present in the moments.  Of course, I have limits.  I’m anxious and introspective and find it easy to get stuck in my head.  Those things are a part of me.  I want to embrace those, too.  But I’m also creative, spontaneous, and lively.  Lately there has been none of those around these parts.

In the first blog I linked to in this post (which you should totally read, by the way), Emily said something about putting her faith in the miracle rather than the Miracle Worker.  This is a rub for me.  I know the Miracle Worker.  He doesn’t always make sense to me.  So I get nervous and scared and start focusing on the miracle inside me, pretending that if I cling tightly it will be glued to me.  But that only provides a false sense of security, and I know it.  Yet the alternative – putting my faith in the Miracle Worker – feels risky due to his unpredictability.

The more I think, however, the more I realize I’m getting it wrong.  I’m looking toward and end result and am trying to devise my faith and trust based on that.  Someone told me once that God gives us strength for today.  He doesn’t give me enough strength for the whole journey all at once.  Just strength for today.  Maybe that’s how I need to look at faith.  I don’t have faith for the whole journey right now.  Perhaps I should, but I don’t.  I am, however, strong enough for today.  I don’t need to waste today’s energy in thought over what might happen seven and a half months from now.  I could use today’s energy for fun, for joy, for the moment.

But oh!  How stuck I am in this rut!  So I’m just going to plod my way out, little by little.

Little

by

little.

With any luck I will get there.  Just in time.