Why Am I So Scared?

Since the day after I got the positive pregnancy test, I’ve been scared.  Terrified.  A basket case.   Tahd was the one who started out uncertain (on the first day) and I quickly begged him to be excited and happy because I just “knew” in my bones this was all good.  And yet 24 hours later, I fell into a pit of fear and have been unable to drag myself out since then.

There are some distinct reasons my fear bothers me.  If you are not a faith-based person, it is alright with me if at this point you commence thinking I’m out to lunch.  😉   From a logical standpoint, I can totally see how I might look that way.  If you are a faith-based person, I think this will make sense at some level.  Either way, I’m open to feedback from both perspectives.

Here’s the long-ish version of the story.

When we began trying to get pregnant again in 2005, intuition told me early in the process that something wasn’t right.  I couldn’t suggest what was wrong, but I knew something was off.  When we had officially been trying for a year and were crossing the threshold of the infertility diagnosis, I had a very distinct experience.  I was taking Gabe for a walk, and while I pushed his stroller I was talking to God about my heartache over our lack of conception.  I remember the exact spot I was in when, through my tears, I sensed God almost audibly saying, “Don’t worry.  I’ve got this one.”  It was followed with a deep peace that pregnancy would come in time and that God wasn’t abandoning me.

Several years ago, I had two early pregnancy losses.  The short version is that these were very hard on me, came at a time in my life when my faith was particularly vulnerable, and I struggled immensely through them.  There was a distinct moment in which I believed I heard God tell me there would be no more miscarriages.  I tucked that away in my heart and didn’t pay a whole lot of attention to it because the first order of business was getting pregnant, and that proved to be a monumental task in and of itself.

Then Gabe’s 268 day thing.  The timing of that is so amazing to me.  How is it that exactly 268 days after he said those words I missed my period?  How is that?  It certainly could be coincidental, but coincidences of that nature – and in conjunction with the next thing – make it hard for me not to believe in a Heavenly Father.

In the fall, we geared up for a second ivf.  Tahd and I were both deeply conflicted about it, and I reached out to a friend who had previously talked with me about the first experience I mentioned.  I had told her about what I thought I heard God say on that walk, and after a tremendous amount of prayer she told me she felt God speak to her and confirm that same message in her heart on my behalf.  Initially, that’s all she told me.  However, when I reached out to her about the second ivf, she was much more specific.  In fact, she told me that she felt God had told her why we were currently unable to conceive and told me when she felt God told her we would be able to conceive.  There were two potential time frames from her conversation with God.  This pregnancy falls into the first time frame, with the projected delivery occurring during the second time frame.

How is it, with all these very specific experiences, I can continue to live in fear?

For us, this is pretty big stakes – something we’ve wanted and invested in – both emotionally and financially – for a long time.  The thought of having it and losing it is monumentally painful.  I know it’s hard to fully let go when you’re in a high stakes situation.  I know I’m spotting and that’s never a great thing, and it definitely gives me reason to hesitate.  I know I’ve had two miscarriages before which increases my odds of miscarrying again.  I know I’m older now than I was when we had Gabe.  Based on our ivf experience I know I don’t have a lot of eggs left.

But I don’t know how I can have experienced my list of positives and still choose to dwell on the list of negatives or the risks.  How can I choose fear over joy?  Do I lack faith?  Am I just a pessimistic person?  Do I need to better learn how to enjoy the blessing of today?

So basically, that’s what I’m doing – wallowing in a pit of fear.  We have an ultrasound scheduled for Friday afternoon and are hopeful about seeing a heartbeat.  In my head I know I’ll eventually be okay regardless of the outcome.  My heart, however, is afraid of breaking again.

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  1. These days are torturous, I know. It’s ok to be scared. It doesn’t mean you’re not “thinking positive.” It’s just reality. It’s been a long, hard road and there’s too much at stake. My heart is racing for you as I read your post and re-lived my own experiences with early spotting. I know it will be fine on Friday, and you will spend the weekend rejoicing! (((hugs)))

  2. my heart aches for you. aches with excitement about your prayers being answered the way you want, and aches with the fear of the unknown. my heart is extra achey these days, so forgive me if i’m being too empathetic.
    i understand your fear. i’m sorry, but i feel a little like i can relate with my situation – NOT TOTALLY! i am NOT trying to equate what’s going on with me with your situation. it is not the same! BUT, (here are my parallels:) i can see positives in tim changing, and have hope for a better life in the future, BUT, that takes trust in lots i can’t control and believing that what’s happened in the past won’t happen again. you have been given some BEAUTIFUL words from God, both to your heart directly and through your friend. that can give you immense hope. but there is that nagging fear of the unknowns that you can’t control and the pat that you know.
    BUT God is so amazing. i believe He really does do what is best for us – even when it may be painful for us. because He knows what our life holds down the road. and He is a loving Father who loves to give His kids good gifts. maybe He’s saying, “it’s time for you guys to be parents again.” we don’t know yet for sure. but you can grow so immensely each day, each minute of each day as you cling to Him for the peace that He can give you in the uncertainty.
    that’s probably a whole lotta nothin’, but i had good intentions! i just don’t know if i communicated at all. i am praying for you guys and rejoicing in the baby who is here now, and praying that you meet that healthy beautiful baby in several months! thanks for sharing in this journey with us!
    .-= Vicky´s last blog ..It’s the little things =-.

  3. All I could do was sigh after reading this…on both of our past pregnancies, I felt this same way. I knew too much and therefore couldn’t live in the same mindset as other pregnant women. I just felt scared and panicked and spent far too much time in the bathroom checking toilet paper. (Sorry for the lack of eloquence…) I have no advice. I am praying so hard for you that this is the time. I can’t wait to hear how Friday’s U/S goes. While I hate to say that I have a feeling that all is well, I really do. Take care of yourself.

  4. Heidi – Unfortunately I totally understand where you are coming from. After a year of trying & fertility treatments, when we were finally pregnant – I was elated, but I had this underlying sense of fear.

    I found myself completely consumed by the dates – hitting the right dates and milestones. I’d hit those dates, see the heartbeat, etc and feel momentary relief and then get consumed by fear about the next thing. My hope was placed in the miracle and not the miracle worker.

    I don’t think it’s wrong to be concerned. I don’t believe in being positive for the sake of being positive. I know that I will truly be positive when I put hope in God, who is in control – it’s just that it is SO HARD TO DO THAT! I LOVE being in control. Love it. My current situation is remembering that my hope is in Him as we start fertility treatments again after a miscarriage. And I know that I am going to have to deal with the same fears if we get pregnant again as you are dealing with, especially if I think something is “off.”

    So anyway – I am praying for you. Hopefully there are some things that you can do to take your mind off of it – like going for a walk or something. But I know that it is so hard. I will continue praying for you and that God would give you a sense of peace.

    XO – Em
    .-= Emily´s last blog ..three things: i love you =-.

  5. thinking about you today…how did the u/s go?

  6. somehow i stumbled upon your blog tonight and read these beautiful words. and while our circumstances are very different (i am not pregnant) they are also similar. God has made a very specific promise to me and yet despite that promise i am nearly paralyzed with fear. terrified that what we so desperately need to come to pass will, in fact, never arrive. that He will not come through. and that seems absurd to me…that after all i have walked through with my Lord, how could i ever doubt Him? and i don’t…but that fear…it’s a beast to wrestle with, isn’t it?

    so, i just wanted to say your faith is evident in your words. and fear…i think it comes with the territory when God asks you to stand and wait for Him as He brings His promises into fruition. thank you for your transparent words…they encouraged me tonight when i so desperately needed it.


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