Introducing…

my daughter, Mara Shirin.

It was a big day in the slightly cosmopolitan household.

Test results.

Ashes.

Names.

Love.

Tears.

So tonight, I want to make a list.  Of things I know about my baby.  Because even though her life was short, she was still here.

  1. It’s a girl!  Something I’ve always wanted to say!
  2. She has a name, as I said earlier.  Mara Shirin.  By most sources, Mara means bitter.  Shirin, however, means sweet.  Bitter sweet.  A fitting name for a long-awaited-for child who left us too soon.  We’re thrilled she joined us and heartbroken we didn’t get to meet her.
  3. She was normal.  100% chromosomally normal.  No trisomies.  No translocations.  No nothing.  There was nothing wrong with her.There was nothing wrong with her.
  4. She had a really fast heartbeat.  Like, seriously fast.  180-190.  Every day for 4 weeks.  Knowing what has happened, this gives me some questions I didn’t know I should have had before.
  5. Once she was able to move, she didn’t seem to like the doppler.  She quickly moved away from it once I would find her heartbeat.  Which I found at least 60 times.  I heard her heart beat at least 60 different times.
  6. She showed off during the ultrasound, her little feet and sweet wiggly legs.  She rolled over, stretched for quite a while, gave a few kicks, and then settled back down.  The ultrasound tech tried really hard to get a good picture for us of the soles of her feet, but they were just a bit too tiny to translate well on the screen.
  7. I think she would have been a thumb sucker. After she rolled over and stretched and kicked for a bit, she drew her left hand up to her face and held it curled and in perfect thumb-sucking-position for the duration of the ultrasound.
  8. She was beautiful.  I would know this even if I hadn’t seen her ultrasounds.  I know this in my heart.

It appears as though there was some sort of placental abnormality.  I couldn’t be sure because a) I had a 5 minute phone conversation with my doctor, b) the abnormality he mentioned may simply be abnormal because it wasn’t a “term” placenta, and c) my doctor is from Scotland and speaks quietly.  However, none of those things will stop me from Googling obsessively, at least until we leave for vacation.  I’m really hoping we can learn something valuable so we have the prerogative of additional treatment if we choose to try again and have success. Eight things.  I know eight things about her.  My daughter.  Mara. I wish I knew more.

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Comments

  1. What a perfect name for your little girl. I wish that you knew more than 8 things about little Mara, but I know how precious it is to have those 8 things to know! One of the only times I was really sick during pregnancy was after eating jalapeños and so I told Frank that Lily must not have liked jalapeños. And we both realized that is one of the only things we know about her. I think about that all the time – it’s like a little gift of knowledge that is so precious. I’m like you in that respect – those 8 things are little treasures. Frank and I are praying for your whole family – all 4 of you – every day. I hope you have a wonderful time with the Mouse. xoxo.
    .-= Emily´s last blog ..three things: Wisconsin observations =-.

    • Aw – that’s not the only thing you know! You know she has a name. You know she was beautiful! And loved! <3

  2. What a beautiful and fitting name, for a beautiful wee babe.

  3. Her name is beautiful! And add a number 9, because you know she was loved by many people and has touched our hearts deeply.
    .-= Laura´s last blog ..The Fireplace the Ray Built =-.

  4. I’m glad you know those 8 things about sweet little Mara. <3
    .-= Devan´s last blog ..One lump or two? =-.

  5. Heidi – well, technically we don’t know if she was a girl or not – Frank is convinced that a little boy in heaven is going to introduce himself to us as Lily 😀 It makes me smile to think that. But you are right – we know more than just about the jalapeños. It sucks that you are going through this right now. Hopefully your trip to see the Mouse will be a great time for you, Tahd & Gabe.
    XO.
    .-= Emily´s last blog ..three things: Wisconsin observations =-.

  6. Suzanne says:

    beautiful, beautiful name Heidi xoxoxo praying for you

  7. oh baby Mara. you were so loved!

  8. Heidi, I saw your prayer request on (in)Courage and it brought me here to read your story. I am praying for you. I am so terribly sorry and heartbroken for your loss. I just wanted to stop by and tell you that.
    .-= Mel´s last blog ..Why I Changed My Tunes =-.

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