12.5 Weeks

Oof… this hurts!  I’m trying to write some things down – bring some summary and cohesion to our experiences as of late.  It is like pulling teeth.  Probably doesn’t help that I’m in a hotel room feeling entirely cramped and uninspired while my 5-year-old tortures us with lack of sleep.  Lucky for me I remembered my Xanax this week – not for him, although I did find myself wondering if they have a children’s version because he could totally use it!

I feel like reality is closing in.  He starts school in a month!  I’m really nervous about this fall – getting through his start of school, getting through Mara’s due date, getting through a Thanksgiving and Christmas to which I thought I’d be bringing a new baby.  If she were still with us I’d be 24 weeks pregnant today.  We’d probably know we were having a girl.  I’d be “pinking up” the nursery.  She’d be viable now.  When I was first pregnant, I got a special day-by-day pregnancy journal and went through it recording the dates until I landed on the 24-week date.  I wanted to be sure I knew the exact day when doctors would consider her viable.  This weekend will mark 12.5 weeks since I lost her – the same amount of time she was with us to begin with.  It feels so long ago, and yet her life feels so short to me.  How can the same amount of time seem both short and long?  I don’t know, but it does.

I want to curl up and throw up and give up all at once.  But I won’t.  I’m determined to create something better out of all this.  I guess “create” is the wrong word.  I’m determined to start experiencing something better.  Because I think the good is out there – it’s just hard to see.  It’s a fine line, I know.  I don’t want to stunt the grief process, but I do need to harness some sort of positive momentum.

A request for those who pray… I very much long to be pregnant again before her due date.  This would be an absolute miracle, but when it’s quiet and I’m all alone, this is what I wish for and dream about.  It won’t change reality and nothing will replace the baby we lost, but it would be nice to greet that day with the special hope that a growing babe can bring.  If this resonates with you, I would covet your prayers in this regard on our behalf.

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  1. You definitely have my prayers Heidi. <3
    .-= Devan´s last blog ..Feelin sorry for myself Friday =-.

  2. You have my prayers as well my dear 🙂
    .-= April´s last blog ..Foretelling =-.

  3. Oh Heidi, absolutely! Praying that your little miracle is only a moment away…
    .-= RenovationGirl´s last blog ..Little Pink Booties =-.

  4. I will be making this specific prayer request for you. Completely understandable!

  5. I will definitely pray this for you!! What a lovely miracle it would be!
    .-= Emily´s last blog ..a new love affair =-.

  6. Absolute prayers!

  7. Melanie says:

    I am praying for this daily, Heidi. *hugs*

  8. Know that I have been and am praying for this daily, Hon; I love you!

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