On Necklaces

I leaned over to Tahd during church on Sunday and asked him if I could buy more necklaces. By “more,” I was alluding to the fact that I selected two Lisa Leonard necklaces and had them engraved with various names and sayings and combined all the charms onto one necklace.  It all came several weeks ago and I have worn it everyday since, it’s weight around my neck ever-present.  It is a necklace that reminds me to celebrate motherhood and to keep my two children close to my heart, Gabe and Mara. I was beginning to feel a little bit disconnected, like my memory of my time with Mara is slipping away, and in the moment thought more necklaces would be nice.

Later, Tahd asked me about my necklace and about my desire for more. I had to admit it. He knew it anyway, but I needed to say it out loud and have it be heard. I don’t really want more necklaces. I want my baby. There’s a void, a painful void, and my urge is to fill it with something. In my heart, I know I could buy a hundred necklaces and the void would still exist, looming just as largely. But it still feels good to think about putting something in there.

Probably, the best thing to do is to sit with the pain – let it exist, acknowledge it, and not try to “solve” it like it can be wiped away or forgotten.  But I’ve noticed that’s not what I’m programmed to do.  Pain equals a need for solution.  It means something needs to change.  But in this story, nothing can be changed and nothing should be solved.  So I’m trying – trying to sit with the pain while life goes on around me; trying to let it exist while I go about laundry and cleaning and chasing after a 5-year-old who is mostly oblivious to these emotions.

It’s not all bad.  I know I am strong.  I know pain and joy can successfully coexist.  I didn’t know these things before, at least not in my bones.  I spoke them with my mouth, but now I’m acquainted with them in my viscera.  These truths are mine.

I still might buy more necklaces, though.  Old habits die hard.  And the necklaces are just so pretty!

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Comments

  1. LOVE the necklace! My hope is that time can help heal the pain a little each day.

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