I hear it whispering from within me. I don’t understand why it’s there. I don’t like it. I fight against it.
Lord, you are good! 1
Good? Really? Could He not have saved my baby? Or if we weren’t to have a baby at all, couldn’t He have prevented me from getting pregnant at all to spare us this heartache? But I can’t help it.
I will praise You in this storm. 2
But why? Why praise? For what? This storm that encompasses the darkest days of my life? I have been cut apart, physically and emotionally. I grieve. It feels hopeless. I do not feel like God has protected, loved, or freed me.
I will go through this valley if You want me to. 3
Surrender. I do not feel like my surrender has been voluntary. I feel like it has been stolen. Can that really be surrender? If you take everything someone has and torment them with it, are they really credible when they “give it up?”
These are the things I will trust in my heart – You can see something else. 4
But what? What do you see? I tried trusting that before and the only thing I experienced was pain, pain that grew in depth and breadth with each passing day.
But still, it wells up within me.
When my world is shaking Heaven stands. 5
And when it wells up, a small sense of peace returns to my soul.
You are the strength that keeps me walking.
You are the hope that keeps me trusting. 6
Why do I think these things? Are they force of habit? Am I comforted by the routines of my childhood? Was losing Mara a loss so big that losing my faith seemed unfathomable? Do these thoughts come because I was too traumatized to consider abandoning my spiritual schema?
Maybe.
But I don’t think so.
God! You took my baby! My baby! I feel like I can’t go on, can’t breathe, can’t wake up.
The response I hear in return? “Heidi, sweet one! I lost my baby, too. Losing a child is excruciating.”
He lets that sit for a while.
God lost His baby, too.
But it’s not the same, I moan! You knew! You knew it was going to happen and you knew what was going to happen afterward. You knew you didn’t lose Him forever! It’s so different!
“Really, Heidi? Really? It’s only different if you don’t trust me.
“Do you trust me? Do you trust me?“
I don’t know. Intellectually speaking, no. I don’t. Trust in someone who seems to merely observe this breaking of hearts without intervening? No. That would be absurd. But during the past two years, I’ve been working intensely and toiling, brick upon brick and row upon row, building a shield of faith around my heart, a shield borne out of experience, study, and community. I deny it with my mind’s eye, but when I reach my arms out blindly in front of me, I can’t help but run my fingers into those bricks, my shield. My faith is there. It’s battered, but it’s there. Even when I try to deny it, it stands. It stands because to crumble, I would have to deny what I’ve experienced with my own body and heart. I would have to deny my own truth.
So it stands.
And the dialogue continues.
Lord I’m tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I’m so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I’ll stop
Rest here a while.
This is all that I can say right now
I know it’s not much
And this is all that I can give
Yeah that’s my everything. 7
Lyrics taken from:
1 Lord You Are Good, Israel Houghton
2 Praise You In This Storm, Casting Crowns
3 If You Want Me To, Ginny Owens
4 From This One Place, Sara Groves
5 Your Hands, JJ Heller
6 Everything, Lifehouse
7 All I Can Say, David Crowder Band
I am so proud to be your husband!! I know the last few years, and the last few months especially, have been gut-wrenching in ways we never imagined, but your spirit never ceases to amaze me. You are the strongest person I know, and I’m so in love with you…
As always so beautifully written, Hon! I am sitting here, reading your blog and your husband’s comment, with tears running down my face – I love both of you so much and feel so blessed to have you as our daughter and son!! I am so proud of you both!!
Your husband’s comment has me teared up as well.
Heidi- the ONLY comment I ever felt comforted by (well, besides the “this sucks. can I give you a hug”s) was when someone reminded me that *I* would be reunited with my babies in heaven. But, that certainly takes a trust and faith to still believe in a supreme being. It wasn’t a thought i would’ve thought in the begining of my grieving.
.-= Tracy´s last blog ..Happy birthday- Little Man! =-.
I am so proud of you for finding your faith and clinging to it; through the good and the bad. I know that you will see Mara again one day.
thank you for writing this. you put into beautiful words so much that i have been thinking and wrestling with. a few days ago, i think i lost my faith. i mean really, was like one breath away from giving up on God entirely! asking many of those same questions (different circumstance, but same sentiments). it’s amazing how God will stick by us when we ask those questions. feel those feelings. doubt. and He still pulls us through if we’re willing. He never drags us, but He stays there for when we are ready to reach out. it’s so hard. so very hard. but our faith is growing stronger as we keep going. in the ups and downs, ins and outs.
you’re awesome! 🙂
.-= Vicky´s last blog ..The F Word =-.