Am and Am Not

People ask me how I am.

“I’m okay,” I reply.

But I’m not.  I’m not okay.  What I mean is that I’m better – better than I was when it hurt so bad I wanted to die, when I thought I’d never awaken from my fog again.  I don’t want to die now, and I’m waking up, getting reacquainted with this life.  It is better, this place where I am now.  But I’m not okay.

I don’t know how to be “not okay.”  I’m not in crisis and I don’t need anyone to fix it.  I just am. not. okay. And that’s okay with me, sort of.  But I still don’t know how to be.

Life costs so much.  I was speaking with a friend last night who lost a baby around 20 weeks.  She has since had two more children, and I was asking her if her other children know about her first child.  She said they didn’t, and she wonders how she’s going to tell them.  I suggested a book by the author of a different book we bought for Gabe.  We bought him We Were Going To Have a Baby But We Had An Angel Instead.  I couldn’t remember the name of the book, and since Gabe was right there I asked him.  He confirmed the name and said, “But there’s another book.  When Mara was still coming I like to read that one.  It’s called Baby On The Way.”  My heart broke a little bit more.  The cost has been huge for me, but it’s even bigger when I bear the weight of his loss.

I want to grieve with hope.  And usually I do.  But it is hard to be when I don’t know who I am, and it is hard to relate to others when I can’t help them understand me.

I guess I am okay.  And I am not okay.  And that’s just the truth.

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  1. It’s okay to be both, Heidi. Really. ((hugs)) And if you were actually fine, I would worry more about you.

    .-= Laura´s last blog ..I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed some more =-.

  2. I agree, I think whatever you are feeling is normal and OK and I’m thinking about you. ((hug))
    .-= Devan´s last blog ..Silent Sunday- My Blessings in Pictures =-.

  3. It feels a bit like you’re in limbo, doesn’t it? You be however you want whenever you want. We’re all here with you no matter what…
    .-= RenovationGirl´s last blog ..Sunday Night Blues =-.

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