Ten

Today is November 7.

Mara was due on November 17.

In ten days.

I’ve entered an alternative universe where time is standing still and I’m terrified about what comes next.  I just need to get through the next ten days, but if I get through the next ten days they’ll be over and I’ll feel like I’m separated from my baby by even more than a lifetime.  That thought?  Makes me panic a little bit and gasp for air.  If I was a man I’d be loosening my tie, trying to catch my breath.  It reminds me of Monday morning, May 10.  I had just gotten out of the shower so we could be on our way to surgery.  Tahd and I were colossal disasters, and in the midst of getting ready he stopped me and hugged me.  I remember clamoring to get loose because I genuinely thought I couldn’t breathe anymore.  Grief and panic constricted my chest and I worried I’d never catch a full breath again.  I don’t like that feeling.  It’s not good.

Ten Things I Will Miss Doing With Her

  1. Seeing her for the first time when the doctor places her on my belly
  2. Learning to nurse her
  3. Snuggling with her while we sleep
  4. Introducing her to her big brother
  5. Holding her endlessly
  6. Watching her learn to smile
  7. Waking up with her in the quiet hours of the night
  8. Picking out her clothes
  9. Feeling her fingers curl around mine
  10. Smelling her sweet baby scent

Ten Things I’m Saying to Myself in the Meantime

  1. It’s not my fault and I did the best I could
  2. There may still be other babies
  3. Even if there aren’t, my life is very blessed
  4. It’s okay to hurt and cry
  5. It’s okay to be happy and laugh and experience joy
  6. This is not the way it was supposed to be, but the way it is will be okay
  7. I can choose hope while still embracing the sadness
  8. Mara was real and her life was important
  9. I will see her again someday
  10. Possibilities are endless

And in other notes, I just found out it will be ten days before our bank account situation gets rectified.  Tahd asked me to log onto our bank account and look for a transaction.  He needed to finish out an expense report for work and thought he put a work charge on our personal account.  Tahd rarely asks me about bank information, but I logged on and looked for the information he needed.  In the process, I noticed our account balance was impressively low.  I hadn’t expected much, but I did expect more than was there.  Further inspection indicated that someone had been purchasing a LOT of clothes from a British clothing retailer.  The bank was very helpful, and kindly explained that in ten days we should have this whole disaster all taken care of.

Ten days.

How ironic.

(And I have to note I started writing this “10 Day” post before I knew about the bank issues.  Too weird.)

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Comments

  1. (((hugs))) This will be a hard few weeks and I am so, so sorry that you have to go through it.

  2. Sitting here with you during the next ten days…
    .-= RenovationGirl´s last blog ..Surgical Regrets =-.

  3. I’m thinking about you!
    .-= Devan´s last blog ..Anger &amp Anxiety =-.

  4. Hon, I am here for you every one of the next 10 days … grieving with you for precious Mara … there is never a day that goes by that I don’t miss her … and grieve for you and for her. I embrace the profound truths of your 10 sayings, as well!! I love you!!

  5. I’m so sorry that you have to go through this … and I know how time can stand still around anniversaries. *hugs* to you … thinking about you.
    .-= Justine´s last blog ..Fruits of Labor- Fruit-filled Pinwheel cookies =-.

  6. Hi, here from LFCA, just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss of sweet Mara. Will be praying for peace and comfort for you as you approach this anniversary. Sending you hugs. xx
    .-= Jenn´s last blog ..Personal Effects =-.

  7. Stopping by from LFCA. I’m so sorry for your loss, I too just survived my daughters unfulfilled due date recently and although I will tell you it was difficult, it wasn’t as awful as I had built it up in my mind to be. There is just so much weight surrounding that day I think I felt a bit of a lifting initially following it. I loved the 10 things you’re saying to yourself, thank you for sharing. Thinking of you and sending love as you remember your precious daughter.
    .-= Rebecca´s last blog ..The journey to you =-.

  8. thinking of you and Mara
    ~here from lfca~

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