What I Really Want To Say

I read last night how author Natalie Goldberg tells writers to pause amidst their writing chaos and start their next sentence with, “What I really want to say is…”  That seems like a really good thing to do tonight.

What I really want to say is I’m sad my church is struggling right now and I feel unconnected there.  When I feel unconnected there, I feel somewhat unconnected from God, too.

What I really want to say is I had a long-overdue playdate with some friends this morning and realized how much I’ve missed them.

What I really want to say is I still haven’t taken down Gabe’s birthday decorations.  The balloons are pretty.  See?

What I really want to say is I don’t mind that Isla still wakes up a few times at night because otherwise I’d miss her.

What I really want to say is I haven’t quite found my way with Gabe lately; he’s getting older and I need to grow into this slightly more mature parent-child relationship.  We have connected as much lately and I miss him.

What I really want to say is I don’t know how to do “fair” with two kids at Christmas.  Isla has more presents, but they’re little things or clothes.  Gabe has fewer presents but we spent more.  I’m worried he’s going to compare quantity, not “quality” and feel upset.

What I really want to say is I went through Isla’s smaller baby clothes tonight looking for a few pieces I could use to make a small stuffed rabbit.  I didn’t anticipate they’d make such a lump grow in my throat.  She’s so big…how can this year be almost over already?

What I really want to say is I’m super proud of myself that for the first time in…well, ever?  I wrapped Christmas presents last night, well before Christmas Eve.

What I really want to say is it feels so good to be happy again, but a shadow of sadness still lingers, and I worry it might take hold once again.

What I really want to say is I’m going to bed.

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  1. I love this! & I love that you still enjoy waking up with Isla at night. I’ve always felt that way with Hazel at night, but as she gets older and the pediatrician/friends/family try to say that’s it’s time for her to sleep through the night, I start to think I’m doing something wrong. But I know it’s right. Our girls are so loved <3
    April´s last blog post ..Giving thanks

  2. Heidi Krieger says:

    I don’t know how to do fair on Christmas either. *sigh* I always just feel like I have to make sure that they all have the same amount of presents to open, even if I have to wrap a new pair of socks or a fancy chapstick to even up the numbers.

  3. Love this concept — love your posts always (1) make me think in a new direction; (2) challenge me; (3) most of all, make me so grateful to God that you are MY daughter and I love you -forever!!!

  4. You know I’m already worrying about that for next xmas, right? Ugh. My mother always had the same number of gifts for us, but if one got a more expensive item, the other gifts that person would open would be little things. I’ll confess that she still wants us to have the same number of presents-and we’re in our 40’s! Some of those little items she’d wrap up for us are actually gifts now we miss…like Scotch tape, and Blistik, and things like that. 🙂

    But what I really want to say is: the quality of your writing has always been good, but in recent months, you’ve raised your writing style to a whole new level of awesomeness and I’m glad to be able to partake in it!
    Renovation Girl´s last blog post ..Lucky #7

  5. This is from DAD: What I really want to say is, I enjoyed being able to peak into your thoughts and join you in them.
    What I really want to say is that the next stage of Gabe’s life will be just as exciting as the one that came before it.
    What I really want to say is that as your Dad, I love you very much.

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