I read last night how author Natalie Goldberg tells writers to pause amidst their writing chaos and start their next sentence with, “What I really want to say is…” That seems like a really good thing to do tonight.
What I really want to say is I’m sad my church is struggling right now and I feel unconnected there. When I feel unconnected there, I feel somewhat unconnected from God, too.
What I really want to say is I had a long-overdue playdate with some friends this morning and realized how much I’ve missed them.
What I really want to say is I still haven’t taken down Gabe’s birthday decorations. The balloons are pretty. See?
What I really want to say is I don’t mind that Isla still wakes up a few times at night because otherwise I’d miss her.
What I really want to say is I haven’t quite found my way with Gabe lately; he’s getting older and I need to grow into this slightly more mature parent-child relationship. We have connected as much lately and I miss him.
What I really want to say is I don’t know how to do “fair” with two kids at Christmas. Isla has more presents, but they’re little things or clothes. Gabe has fewer presents but we spent more. I’m worried he’s going to compare quantity, not “quality” and feel upset.
What I really want to say is I went through Isla’s smaller baby clothes tonight looking for a few pieces I could use to make a small stuffed rabbit. I didn’t anticipate they’d make such a lump grow in my throat. She’s so big…how can this year be almost over already?
What I really want to say is I’m super proud of myself that for the first time in…well, ever? I wrapped Christmas presents last night, well before Christmas Eve.
What I really want to say is it feels so good to be happy again, but a shadow of sadness still lingers, and I worry it might take hold once again.
What I really want to say is I’m going to bed.