It took me a few days upon realizing I had started falling into my funky abyss, and it came to me suddenly and strangely while standing in front of the bathroom vanity, fixing my hair and makeup for the first time in days.
I’m in a funk because I’m sad and scared.
I’m sad and scared because we’re trying to get pregnant again and so far, it’s not working.
There are a lot of unknowns.
Can I even get pregnant again?
If so, how long might it take?
Would I have another miscarriage?
Would I even be able to handle three kids?
How overwhelming would it be to have kids closer than Gabe and Isla (7 years)?
Do I really want to buck the norms of American society and have more than two?
Can I be okay with not trying?
Would I be not trying because of fear?
Is it okay to stop trying because it’s too painful?
Am I just being greedy by wanting a third child?
Can I survive another round of infertility, especially if it ends without another child?
Can Tahd and I survive it together?
Will we ever have a “normal,” completely unstressed intimate relationship?
Will I feel sad when I’m older and our holidays feel less full and bustling because we only have two kids (and Gabe says he’s never getting married or having kids)?
What if I have to be happy and sad at the same time?
I don’t have answers to these questions, so I’ve been quiet, just mulling things over. I don’t know if there’s a way to be probably-infertile and try to get pregnant and hope for the best without being overwhelmed and consumed. I don’t know if there’s a way to stop trying and not be disappointed and sad, both now and later.
I’m trying to figure it out, but six years of infertility carved a groove pretty deeply in my heart, and it’s easy to fall back into that chasm without realizing it.
I just know I need to find a way to coexist more happily with this part of my life. I may not solve it and it may not turn out how I hope or imagine, but I don’t want it to define me anymore, and I don’t want to miss out on a fraction of the happiness that’s available in this present moment. Because that’s one thing I know for sure – the happiness of the here-and-now abounds, and I want every bit of it.