On Not Knowing

I love knowing.

I like knowing where we’re going and how we’re going to get there.  I like knowing the weather forecast, hour by hour, if possible.  I like knowing the ends of books and movies before I’m all the way through.  I like knowing the risks – all the risks, even this little ones – of any decision.  I like knowing what’s going to happen so I can figure out what I should be doing now and later.

I just like knowing.

It surprises me, then, that for the last week I’ve had the gender of this baby documented on a folded page of my favorite notebook and I still haven’t peeked.  Not even a little.  I haven’t even opened the book!  I’m waiting – patiently – for the right moment to learn this little secret, ever cognizant of the fact that once it’s known, I can’t unknow it.

In all likelihood, this will be our last time to have the opportunity to make the decision about when and how to find out, and rather than rushing the knowing, I’ve been surprised at how much I want to savor the mystery.

We had our high risk doctor’s appointment last week. We started with genetic counseling and then had the level 2 ultrasound.  Both were remarkably enjoyable! And we got the cutest pictures!

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Most significantly, there’s no evidence the baby has any medical issues.  Phew!

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We went ahead with a blood test that has a very high degree of accuracy at detecting genetic issues, but we declined the amnio because it didn’t seem necessary.  The only thing that concerned me was that my cervix measured a little on the short side – still within normal range, but on the lower side of normal, which is atypical compared to my other pregnancies.  They’re going to do a recheck soon, and if there are no changes they said I shouldn’t worry.

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As to this baby’s identity, my gut feeling is boy.  I think I saw some boy parts while the tech swung by the nether regions.  Whereas I struggled with nervousness earlier about adding another boy to our family, when I looked at the sweet little face on the ultrasound screen, I fell in love with the idea of a little more blue and found myself a bit giddy dreaming about the future.  Sometimes I surprise myself, and sometimes those surprises are a good thing.

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I usually prefer knowing to not knowing, but I want to remember how good not knowing can feel and that there can be a happy anticipation in mystery.

**Kudos to you if you can embrace the mystery all the way until delivery!  I can’t not know that long, for sure.  I think I’d implode.  Expect a gender reveal post soon!

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  1. Way to go on not peeking! Not sure I’d be able to do the same if I knew the answer was right there. We didn’t find out the gender of our son until he was born. It was so much fun!

  2. I’m not sure I’d have made the car ride home without opening it. lol Can’t wait to find out!
    Devan´s last blog post ..School Days

  3. I’m SO SO happy to hear everything looks great with your sweet little baby! Since hearing that you needed to see a high-risk doctor, I have been thinking about you a lot..hoping and praying everything was just fine! So relieved to hear it is! He/she looks just perfect…so so sweet!!! <3 And I completely know what you mean about knowing! I have to know too, but with Quincey we did a gender reveal party and we couldn't do it (due to everyone's schedules) for a month and a half after I had my "big ultrasound." I literally had the envelope sitting in my purse the entire time…unopened! People couldn't believe I could hold off on opening it, but there is a big difference in waiting a few weeks than waiting until they come out. lol I knew I wanted to find out with all my friends and family there, so I had no problems waiting. 😉 Can't wait to hear the news! 🙂

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