The little pictures, they creep up and surprise me here and there.
For the last several years, I’ve pictured myself dropping Gabe off at kindergarten and returning home to my childless abode. When I got pregnant and my due date was in November, I adjusted the picture. I’d be dropping Gabe off at kindergarten heavy and [...]
The poetry of music takes me places simple words can’t. When I first miscarried Mara, I found incredible comfort in sound. Sound kept me connected to the outside world, preventing me from getting lost inside my head. It was a bonus when the sound was melodic or meaningful. I combed the internet for lists of [...]
Continue reading about Songs After A Miscarriage or Loss of a Baby
People ask me how I am.
“I’m okay,” I reply.
But I’m not. I’m not okay. What I mean is that I’m better – better than I was when it hurt so bad I wanted to die, when I thought I’d never awaken from my fog again. I don’t want to die now, and I’m waking up, [...]
Oof… this hurts! I’m trying to write some things down – bring some summary and cohesion to our experiences as of late. It is like pulling teeth. Probably doesn’t help that I’m in a hotel room feeling entirely cramped and uninspired while my 5-year-old tortures us with lack of sleep. Lucky for me I remembered [...]
I was going through my archives trying to clean them up and delete unfinished drafts when I came across this post. It’s incomplete, which is – I’m assuming – why I never published it in the first place. But it’s very interesting for me to look back on it in light of everything that has [...]
I leaned over to Tahd during church on Sunday and asked him if I could buy more necklaces. By “more,” I was alluding to the fact that I selected two Lisa Leonard necklaces and had them engraved with various names and sayings and combined all the charms onto one necklace. It all came several [...]
I hear it whispering from within me. I don’t understand why it’s there. I don’t like it. I fight against it.
Lord, you are good! 1
Good? Really? Could He not have saved my baby? Or if we weren’t to have a baby at all, couldn’t He have prevented me from getting pregnant at all to spare [...]
On Thursday I had a sonohysterogram (SHG), the very long and fancy way of saying I had an ultrasound with a bonus. The ultrasound is a regular transvaginal ultrasound (which is a “treat” in and of itself). The bonus was the catheter of saline they injected into my uterus while performing said transvaginal ultrasound.
Fun, right? [...]
Some days I wake up and it just hits me. I lost a baby!! I might never have another one!! I hate infertility and all it has taken from me. I want another baby so badly I can taste it – what the top of its sweet head smells like after a bath, the dreamy [...]
A little peek into Gabe’s mind as it concerns Mara…
I’ve gradually been cleaning things up around my house – disseminating the memories of Mara to various locations. Most everywhere I look is something to remind me of those three months; it’s a very comforting feeling. There are two things I haven’t taken care of – [...]
