I took a journey.
A very long journey.
I planned the details of my journey for a long time.
But once I left it was so much more than I ever could have imagined.
You know how you go away and you feel like a different person because life isn’t the same?
Well, my journey was so long that I became [...]
The little pictures, they creep up and surprise me here and there.
For the last several years, I’ve pictured myself dropping Gabe off at kindergarten and returning home to my childless abode. When I got pregnant and my due date was in November, I adjusted the picture. I’d be dropping Gabe off at kindergarten heavy and [...]
People ask me how I am.
“I’m okay,” I reply.
But I’m not. I’m not okay. What I mean is that I’m better – better than I was when it hurt so bad I wanted to die, when I thought I’d never awaken from my fog again. I don’t want to die now, and I’m waking up, [...]
I had a breakthrough yesterday. When I went to bed last night I left only ONE light on in the entire house. And I didn’t put the phone on my bedside table.
This, my friends, is nothing short of miraculous! When Tahd travels, I normally leave several lights on through the night. Usually I leave lights [...]
So I’m pretty much in freak out mode around here. I’m making a valiant effort at holding everything together, but on the inside I’m a silly mess of quivering nerves!
Tahd went away and left us at home for the first time since we lost Mara. He has been around daily since that weekend, and this [...]
I was going through my archives trying to clean them up and delete unfinished drafts when I came across this post. It’s incomplete, which is – I’m assuming – why I never published it in the first place. But it’s very interesting for me to look back on it in light of everything that has [...]
It just hit me – I’m 32. Thirty two!!! I was watching Larry King where Elizabeth Edwards talked about having a 28-year-old daughter and thought, Wow! I wonder what life will be like when I’m 28? And then I realized – I know exactly what life “will” be like when I’m 28 because I WAS [...]
Some days I wake up and it just hits me. I lost a baby!! I might never have another one!! I hate infertility and all it has taken from me. I want another baby so badly I can taste it – what the top of its sweet head smells like after a bath, the dreamy [...]
I made progress today!
If you came to my house, you would not think I made progress. No, Gabe sat on the couch for no less than 7 hours and played computer games. By the time Tahd got home from work I felt like a colossal failure and averted my eyes when I told him of [...]
Or maybe “learning” would be more accurate? I’m sure I’ve hardly begun to mine the truths and mysteries this experience holds for my benefit.
I’ve learned I’m strong. Really strong. Fragile, too, but strong. After our ivf failed last year, I thought I couldn’t possibly bear anything else. I forced myself forward, but I felt like [...]
Continue reading about What I’ve Learned From Miscarrying Mara
