That’s what I am – agitated.
Nothing is bad. I’m living in peace. With a reasonable schedule. And a house full of healthy people. Who have enough money to pay the bills. And nothing awful looming on the horizon.
And yet, I’m agitated.
I read this post (great girl!! xo) and felt resonance. I’m in the in-between. And I don’t like it.
We’re waiting for our tax return.
We’re waiting to register Gabe for schools.
We’re waiting for Gabe to start school.
I’m waiting for my newly-started antidepressants to kick in.
I’m almost done with my final year as the MOPS coordinator.
We’re waiting for the right time to go away for our anniversary.
We’re waiting for the perfect time to take Gabe to Disney.
We’re waiting until the right time to do ivf.
I’m trying to embrace life as a family of 3.
I’m trying to figure out how who I was fits in with who I am while I identify who I want to be.
I’m thinking about going back to school.
We’ve knocked out half our credit card debt. We have the other half still to go.
It’s agitating, this sense of everything and nothing being settled. I can’t figure out what to say about it because everything is topsy-turvy and everything is normal. It’s a dichotomy I can’t quite understand. Not yet. I wonder if I’m just so out of touch with myself that I can’t figure out what I think or feel. It doesn’t feel that way, but maybe it’s true.
What I do know for sure is that it’s 11:30 and Gabe has been waking up early and if I want to have some degree of sanity in the morning, I had better run to bed. Maybe tomorrow the elusive will stop evading me and I’ll find some certainty during the in-between. Or maybe I’ll get the laundry done. If I can’t figure out the meaning of my life, maybe I could at least take care of our dirty clothing.
If I was a betting person, I’d bet on the whole elusive thing. Because if I know one thing for sure, it’s that my forte is most decidedly not laundry!
I know that you aren’t a patient person and neither am I, so sometimes the in between is especially hard. Happy birthday today!
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Happy Birthday, Heidi. I am sorry that the in between is bothering you, but thanks for saying what I wrote had resonance for you. XO
I hope you figure out how to either find peace in this in between place or find a way to go forward. ((hugs))
Ah, the in between.
At a women’s retreat I went to a few years ago (ask your mom about the braless bandits…::sigh:: I’m soooo mature), Margo (what was her name again??) said that every woman you know is either going into a crisis, in a crisis or coming out of a crisis.
And the thing is, I’m good in a crisis because I know what I’m faced with.
And I’m good coming out of a crisis because I’m glad to be moving past it.
But just before you start a crisis (emotional or otherwise) there is a horrible feeling of, “what is it REALLY going to be? is it going to be what I think it will be or will it be WORSE??”
Or maybe that’s just my psychosis.
And I don’t think that everything is a “Crisis” per se, but more of just a challenging situation.
Hope that makes sense!
In other news: I hope that you had a great birthday!
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