After a harrowing conversation in which I begged Tahd for his insight into my life and then proceeded to reject the things he said at every turn, I have determined what my problem is. (Yes, Tahd, in spite of my obstinateness I was listening.)
I don’t want to give up but I’m too wounded to keep hoping. When I feel overwhelmed by the scope of my hopelessness, I feel compelled to give up and then feel angry. When I feel overwhelmed by the idea of giving up, I feel lost by the sense of hopelessness and feel despair.
I think that’s why I find myself asking Tahd every day if I’ll ever be happy again.
Tahd says I need to change my mental schema. I reject that. Hence the harrowing conversation. Nothing like asking for advice and then arguing with the one who loves you enough to give it to you! ;)
I don’t want to change my mental schema. I feel hopeless. I don’t want to be argued out of that. But I don’t want to give up. I don’t want to let the dream die. I don’t want to be argued into enjoying what I have. Not that I don’t enjoy it, but that I have to let it fill the entire void. It doesn’t. I don’t want to pretend that it does.
Tahd doesn’t get why I let myself hold two conflicting and equally distressing underlying beliefs. I think he feels I could substitute or focus on some other beliefs that would be less distressing. But I’m don’t want to.
I’m having a temper tantrum.
So nyah.
I think that we all have days like that or things that we want to hold onto no matter what. You hang in there!
I laughed at the recognition of this as a temper tantrum. Can it be a tantrum if we recognize it as such? Isn’t the very lack of recognizing it part of the definition of the temper tantrum?
Hold on to it for now. Know that it’s okay to balance between two sets of beliefs. It will not be forever, and at some point you will morph into someone with either a new set of beliefs or a new dream.
And we will all be here for you through that journey and when that new dream becomes clear.
((hugs))
I thought for sure I was going to be reading about Gabe, not you!
You know, I think it’s perfectly normal to feel this way (or just “my normal?”) when in a situation like this. If you were told definitively that you could not ever achieve this dream, then you could start to grieve and put closure on this part of your life (although, I don’t think you ever fully close this chapter emotionally). But because you don’t have that, there is always hope which makes it hard to move on. I know there will come a time when we can move forward…it’s just not yet. In the meantime…here we are. Lots and lots of hugs!!!!
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