What I really want to say…

|| my heart is very full this weekend.  We celebrated Mother’s Day today because I have to work tomorrow, and I couldn’t imagine anything more perfect than a lazy day at home with Tahd and my babies.

|| this week marked three years since we lost Mara on Mother’s Day.  I try to keep “her day” confined in my mind to May 9 to allow myself room for celebration on Mother’s Day, but I’m still a little tender around all these days.

|| lately, remembering Mara makes me think about all the women who desperately want to be mothers but don’t have babies yet or don’t have their babies here on earth.  If you are one of those women, please know you are on my heart, and every ounce of my being hopes that your wish comes true.  Soon.

|| I heard the baby’s heartbeat on the doppler twice this week.  I don’t think that sound will ever get old!  Unfortunately, it doesn’t do that much to allay my anxieties, so I try to limit its use pretty dramatically.  Especially this weekend.  I’m irrationally afraid of not finding the heartbeat on Mother’s Day again, just like with Mara.

|| Gabe’s class had a Muffins With Mom event on Friday.  They each drew a portrait of their mother and we had to guess which picture was ours.  It took me three guesses! With clues!  lol  This is what Gabe thinks I look like.

|| when I arrived at school, Gabe was milling around in the hall waiting for me. He saw me from a distance and immediately barreled toward me with his arms outstretched.  It was the sweetest moment! He’s not usually exuberantly affectionate, so that hug was particularly special.

|| I think I love this advice on motherhood best of all:

“Before becoming a mother I had a hundred theories on how to bring up children. Now I have seven children and only one theory: love them, especially when they least deserve to be loved.”
Kate Samperi

Isla took a big bite of bar soap the other day in her bath.  When I realized what she had done and took the soap away from her, she looked at me, smiling, and said, “Yummy!”

Isla has started waking up before 5:00 each of the last few mornings.  I’m not a fan.  It doesn’t look like she is, either.

Gabe thinks I’m crazy because I won’t let him use a pocket knife to whittle a block of wood while riding in the car.  I have several problems with this scenario, and none of them involve me being crazy.  I find myself quite sensible.  And safe.

My mom came over a few days ago to get Isla for an hour or so.  Isla apparently realized what was happening, because when she saw Grandma on the porch she started chanting, “No! No! No! No! No!”  I let Grandma into the house and Isla looked at her and then chirped, “Bye bye!”

Gabe has informed us that he doesn’t have enough time to get dressed/ready in the mornings before school.  He wants us to wake him up at 7:00 and give him until 7:45 to get dressed.  Does this seem excessive to anyone else?

I love going to the bookstore.  We went today and each found a new book. It was an unexpected stop.  Had we been planning to go out I would have dressed Isla in something other than the insanity she was wearing (leg warmers, a sun romper, and a sweater, none of which matched).  And shoes.  I would have given her shoes.

Oh – and I heard the baby’s heartbeat on the doppler yesterday!  Big yay!

So…

I’ve sort of shut down.  I tried really hard not to, and I was sure once the ultrasound was over that one way or the other I’d find my way out of my anxious funk.

But I haven’t.  Which caught me by surprise. And it is actually getting worse, not better.

I hate feeling this way, both because it’s a really sucky feeling, but also because it leaves me feeling so ashamed.  I have everything; my life is so full and blessed and I feel lucky beyond measure.  I have every reason to feel hopeful, happy, light, thrilled, and celebratory.  There’s no good reason for me to feel anxious.  So, why can’t I shake this?

When I realized I was feeling ashamed, I thought about the things I’ve learned while I read Daring Greatly and The Gifts of Imperfection, and knew I had to say it.  So here I am, saying it.  I’m irrationally anxious and I’m disappointed in myself for it.

I’m trying to go back to some of the basic things, the things I know work for me – sleep, easy meals, gentle exercise, sunshine, simple expectations, and a little extra fun.  And even though I know it’s the right thing to do, I’m still trying to muster up the courage to get in touch with my counselor to help me navigate this.  I know she’d be great and I love talking to her, but it still makes me gulp a bit to think of actually saying, “I need help.”

Off to do a little yoga before bed.  It sounds like the perfect way to finish off the day!

We saw a heartbeat – a steady little flicker at 168 beats per minute!

Yay!

We’re enjoying our first warm days of the spring season.  Gabe’s learning to ride a two-wheeler, Isla’s testing her walking skills, and Tahd’s getting ready for our garden.    It wasn’t a hard winter, but it certainly felt like a long winter!  I’m glad it’s finally warm!

It’s supposed to be an unseasonably shocking 81 here tomorrow, and I can’t wait!  Our windows are already open in preparation.  I love spring for its warm days and cool nights.

I have my first ultrasound in the morning, and I’m super nervous.  I keep looking at these pictures and smiling because we had such a happy evening outside, and I know there will be many more this spring regardless of tomorrow’s outcome.

Happy thoughts make me less anxious.

But I’m still scared.

I’m guessing that’s pretty normal considering my history.

Instead of trying not to be anxious, I’ve moved on to trying to remain present.  If I’m scared, I’m scared.  But I can be scared and… I can be scared and go for a walk with my family.  I can be scared and go to a girls’ night out.  I can be scared and cook dinner.

I’ll be back tomorrow with an update!