They make me happy when skies are gray!

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Can we just establish two things at the outset and then move on?

1) My mental health is hanging on by a thread.

and

2) I feel dumb saying this because I don’t see any good reason why I should be so anxious and overwhelmed.  But I am, and it has prevented me from writing, thinking clearly, and generally being present in my life.  I’m terrified of losing this pregnancy, terrified of bonding with this baby, terrified of juggling a third child, and just plain terrified.  So I figured I’d better at least admit it and move on.

I’ll have more to say about it later, I’m sure, but not now.  I just felt disingenuous posting other things that make everything look peachy when the reality is I’m just squeaking by.  I’ll be okay.  I know that, but it doesn’t make the present any easier.

Moving along.

**********

In what is quite possibly the strangest craving I’ve ever had, I am dying to eat some hotdogs.

Hotdogs!  This troubles me deeply!

I wouldn’t call myself a vegetarian, but I do tend to avoid meat in most meals.  Primarily because meat is disgusting.  Right?

I’ll use chicken or beef broth and I’m always up for a few slices of bacon, but it’s a rare day that I sit down to a chicken breast of a thick steak.  So much meat.  All at once.  Gag!  It’s even rarer for me to sit down to a meal comprised basically of fake or mystery meat.  But I walked by the hotdog case today at the grocery store and could hardly stop myself from drooling!  So, I bought some.  Totally under the guise that they’re really for Gabe.  But they’re not.  I might have one (or three) of them.

I’m gagging a little bit thinking about it.  But I still want them.

**********

It occurred to me recently that although Isla’s still nursing, she doesn’t do it often and it’s mostly for comfort since I think my supply has completely tanked during this pregnancy.  With another baby on the horizon this year, I thought this would be the perfect time to take a little weekend getaway with just Tahd, since once I’m nursing a new baby I won’t be going anywhere for very long.

Commence frantic planning.

One thing I hate about Tahd’s job is the amount he as to travel.  One thing I love about his travel is the fact that he earns frequent flier miles, hotel points, and car rental credits.  In theory, these things should make the trip super inexpensive.  In reality, attempting to juggle all these free points and convincing them to play well together on one weekend?  Nearly impossible!

I think I have a plan now, though.  Just one last hurdle, and we’re good to go.  I hope!

**********

Mother’s Day weekend was so lovely!  I received breakfast in bed and had a wonderful meal with my own mom.

I had to work on Sunday, so my breakfast in bed came on Saturday, which was a nice adjustment.  Dinner with my mom was on Sunday after my work shift had ended.  It was the perfect way to end the weekend!

At the last minute I remembered I wanted to take a few pictures with the kids.  We tried.  Isla chewed her fingers and Gabe vamped.  I figured that was close enough to success!

**********

I forgot how much I love Crazy Stupid Love until we watched it last night.  So good.  You should watch it.

**********

I listened to the baby’s heartbeat today.  It was in the upper 160s.  People tell me girl, but I’m still thinking boy.

**********

It’s bedtime…night!

The post Randomness appeared first on slightly cosmopolitan.

|| my heart is very full this weekend.  We celebrated Mother’s Day today because I have to work tomorrow, and I couldn’t imagine anything more perfect than a lazy day at home with Tahd and my babies.

|| this week marked three years since we lost Mara on Mother’s Day.  I try to keep “her day” confined in my mind to May 9 to allow myself room for celebration on Mother’s Day, but I’m still a little tender around all these days.

|| lately, remembering Mara makes me think about all the women who desperately want to be mothers but don’t have babies yet or don’t have their babies here on earth.  If you are one of those women, please know you are on my heart, and every ounce of my being hopes that your wish comes true.  Soon.

|| I heard the baby’s heartbeat on the doppler twice this week.  I don’t think that sound will ever get old!  Unfortunately, it doesn’t do that much to allay my anxieties, so I try to limit its use pretty dramatically.  Especially this weekend.  I’m irrationally afraid of not finding the heartbeat on Mother’s Day again, just like with Mara.

|| Gabe’s class had a Muffins With Mom event on Friday.  They each drew a portrait of their mother and we had to guess which picture was ours.  It took me three guesses! With clues!  lol  This is what Gabe thinks I look like.

|| when I arrived at school, Gabe was milling around in the hall waiting for me. He saw me from a distance and immediately barreled toward me with his arms outstretched.  It was the sweetest moment! He’s not usually exuberantly affectionate, so that hug was particularly special.

|| I think I love this advice on motherhood best of all:

“Before becoming a mother I had a hundred theories on how to bring up children. Now I have seven children and only one theory: love them, especially when they least deserve to be loved.”
Kate Samperi

The post What I Really Want To Say appeared first on slightly cosmopolitan.

Isla has started waking up before 5:00 each of the last few mornings.  I’m not a fan.  It doesn’t look like she is, either.

Gabe thinks I’m crazy because I won’t let him use a pocket knife to whittle a block of wood while riding in the car.  I have several problems with this scenario, and none of them involve me being crazy.  I find myself quite sensible.  And safe.

My mom came over a few days ago to get Isla for an hour or so.  Isla apparently realized what was happening, because when she saw Grandma on the porch she started chanting, “No! No! No! No! No!”  I let Grandma into the house and Isla looked at her and then chirped, “Bye bye!”

Gabe has informed us that he doesn’t have enough time to get dressed/ready in the mornings before school.  He wants us to wake him up at 7:00 and give him until 7:45 to get dressed.  Does this seem excessive to anyone else?

I love going to the bookstore.  We went today and each found a new book. It was an unexpected stop.  Had we been planning to go out I would have dressed Isla in something other than the insanity she was wearing (leg warmers, a sun romper, and a sweater, none of which matched).  And shoes.  I would have given her shoes.

Oh – and I heard the baby’s heartbeat on the doppler yesterday!  Big yay!

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I’ve sort of shut down.  I tried really hard not to, and I was sure once the ultrasound was over that one way or the other I’d find my way out of my anxious funk.

But I haven’t.  Which caught me by surprise. And it is actually getting worse, not better.

I hate feeling this way, both because it’s a really sucky feeling, but also because it leaves me feeling so ashamed.  I have everything; my life is so full and blessed and I feel lucky beyond measure.  I have every reason to feel hopeful, happy, light, thrilled, and celebratory.  There’s no good reason for me to feel anxious.  So, why can’t I shake this?

When I realized I was feeling ashamed, I thought about the things I’ve learned while I read Daring Greatly and The Gifts of Imperfection, and knew I had to say it.  So here I am, saying it.  I’m irrationally anxious and I’m disappointed in myself for it.

I’m trying to go back to some of the basic things, the things I know work for me – sleep, easy meals, gentle exercise, sunshine, simple expectations, and a little extra fun.  And even though I know it’s the right thing to do, I’m still trying to muster up the courage to get in touch with my counselor to help me navigate this.  I know she’d be great and I love talking to her, but it still makes me gulp a bit to think of actually saying, “I need help.”

Off to do a little yoga before bed.  It sounds like the perfect way to finish off the day!

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We saw a heartbeat – a steady little flicker at 168 beats per minute!

Yay!

The post This is Love appeared first on slightly cosmopolitan.

We’re enjoying our first warm days of the spring season.  Gabe’s learning to ride a two-wheeler, Isla’s testing her walking skills, and Tahd’s getting ready for our garden.    It wasn’t a hard winter, but it certainly felt like a long winter!  I’m glad it’s finally warm!

It’s supposed to be an unseasonably shocking 81 here tomorrow, and I can’t wait!  Our windows are already open in preparation.  I love spring for its warm days and cool nights.

I have my first ultrasound in the morning, and I’m super nervous.  I keep looking at these pictures and smiling because we had such a happy evening outside, and I know there will be many more this spring regardless of tomorrow’s outcome.

Happy thoughts make me less anxious.

But I’m still scared.

I’m guessing that’s pretty normal considering my history.

Instead of trying not to be anxious, I’ve moved on to trying to remain present.  If I’m scared, I’m scared.  But I can be scared and… I can be scared and go for a walk with my family.  I can be scared and go to a girls’ night out.  I can be scared and cook dinner.

I’ll be back tomorrow with an update!

The post A Little Bit Of Spring appeared first on slightly cosmopolitan.

That’s a totally normal trade off, I think.

Also, in addition to every other manner of crunchy, processed carbohydrates, Isla may have eaten an entire sleeve of graham crackers in 30 minutes.  That’s reasonable, right?

^{Playing in the waiting room}

Isla had her fifteen month doctor’s appointment today, at which I learned that she’s 27+ pounds (hello, 98th percentile), 32 inches (again, 98th percentile) and has a head circumference of 50+ cm (off the charts).  She is, quite literally, a big girl!  The doctor’s greeting to us started with, “So!  She’s a good eater, I guess?”

I also learned – when the doctor inquired about everyone in our household and I told her I was pregnant and nervous – that she’s had several miscarriages, too, and I could tell she meant it when she told me she’d be hoping for the best for us.

Something about the way she spoke touched a raw spot in me, a tender area I’d only recently uncovered.  In the last few weeks, I’ve been remembering again my other baby, the one I had for thirteen weeks and never got to meet.  And I’ve been sad.  I cried the other night while I laid in bed, something I haven’t done in a long time.  But it felt good…needed.  It’s not that I’ve forgotten, or assumed I should be “past this” by now – it’s just that life moves forward and gets busy and there’s not as much room for the grief – which is partly good and partly sad at the same time.

Sometimes I wonder if I’d feel differently if I didn’t have Isla, and then I feel silly for even wondering such a thing because of course I’d feel differently.  Having her healed a very particular part of me in a very particular way.  I’m certain healing could have (and would have) been found in different circumstances, but I think that much life grief, healing marks you as it carves up your soul and puts it back together again, so I’m certain I wouldn’t be the same.

Perhaps if one waits long enough and lives through a lifetime of healing, the results would be the same regardless of the process.  But for now, I am infinitely grateful to have been granted this gift of healing at this time.

Several months ago I posted a request for prayer for a young girl who had contracted a grave combination of several ruthless illnesses – influenza and MRSA.  After numerous holes in her lungs, months on specialized life support (ECMO and a specialized type of ventilator), and many medical professionals who later told her parents they didn’t think she’d survive three days, she’s going home and will undertake the balance of her recuperation there.

She’s going home!

I think about her healing and about what is a nearly unfathomable, miraculous recovery.  But after numerous tubes in her chest wall and multiple invasive surgeries, I know her healing process itself must have inflicted its own suffering, both physical and emotional,  and these remnants will be carried and processed for some time.

I think healing can feel lonely, but I wish it weren’t so.  I think we’re all healing from something, or just healing from the realities or our humanity.

To be human is to break.

Does healing feel embarrassing because it requires us to admit there’s a problem, a flaw somewhere that requires its presence?  Or maybe healing brings us face-to-face with some of our darker questions and feelings, and we’re sure no one else has those kinds of thoughts?  I’m not sure what it is, but I wish the healing process was pursued and cherished instead of being rushed and hidden and shameful like I sometimes think it can be.

Scars hurt.  Old wounds ache.  Sometimes they split open and bleed.  But we are not the only ones.  It happens to all of us.  I know this for sure.

I think we’d be better off if we took the bandages off and gave air to our wounds, even if it means someone else could see them.  Maybe that’s the exact reason we should take the bandages off.  Maybe healing in community would be

more gentle…

more healthy…

more simple…

more hopeful…

than trying to do it alone.

The post Random Musings on Healing appeared first on slightly cosmopolitan.

I’m currently 7 1/2 weeks and I still haven’t had an ultrasound.  At first, this was okay with me.  I figured that for every day I didn’t know what was going on in there was another day I could assume the best.  And I tried.

Really, really hard.

But old habits die pretty hard, and I seem to have reached the end of my ability to assume the best and have moved on to escape and avoidance, conniving to find a way for me to sleep nonstop for the next 7 days until it’s finally time for the ultrasound.

I should say 7-ish days…I put a note on my phone with the appointment, but Isla edited it about a week ago and now I’m not 100% sure of the details…

In other “patience” news, several months ago, Isla yanked on my computer’s power cord.  Immediately afterward, it stopped charging, even when plugged in.  A little investigation suggested that she must have broken the solder point where the power port connects to the motherboard.  Or something like that; I’m not at all literate in computer hardware.  Anyway, I found that if I pushed on the power cord just so, I could make it charge – good news for my checkbook, but quite inefficient.  I don’t really have a few hours a day to sit around holding my computer cord so it will charge.

In need of another solution, I found a large rubber band and wrapped it over the keyboard and power adapter  and voila!  It charged perfectly!  For weeks!  Until this week, when it got much more finicky.

You know that move when you’re putting your baby to bed and she’s laying in her crib and you’re patting her back and she goes to sleep and you stop patting and just leave your hand there until you think she’s totally asleep and you gradually shift your weight away from your hand and when you’re feeling brave you occasionally raise a finger until she’s left with just one finger on her and then you get really courageous and lift your hand completely away but you let it hover there just an inch above her because you’re convinced she can feel its presence in her sleep?  And you do all of that while holding your breath?

Yeah, that’s what I have to do to the charging cord now.  I have to plug it in until it makes the precisely correct amount of contact to start charging, and I have to leave my hand there for some time so it forgets I might leave soon.  Then I gradually shift my hand away from the cord, but slowly enough so that it doesn’t realize I’ve left.  That’s the only way I can get it to charge now.

It is helping me practice my patience, though.

I’m afraid that soon it’s going to grow up and realize my tricks and stop charging at all.

I think we might be in the market for a new computer soon…

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Here’s what’s on my…

vanity || some new MAC mineralize powders and two MAC eyeshadow favorites – All That Glitters and Expensive Pink.

perennial to do list || declutter, lose 15 pounds, go to bed earlier, catch up on our family photo albums.

refrigerator shelves || some broccoli I need to use up, lots of carrots and yogurt, milk, random things I need to go through and throw away.  I think of the cleaning out the refrigerator as Tahd’s responsibility. He thinks of it as mine.  It works beautifully.

itinerary || we’re going to say hi to Tahd’s great-grandparents and parents this weekend.

fantasy itinerary || Tahd is traveling to Europe (probably Italy?) this summer, and I really want to go along and take the kids. Tickets are crazy pricey, though, so I don’t know if it’s going to work out.  I’d also really like to go to a beach with blue water and white sand…any beach like that will do!

playlist || I’ve been listening to classical or opera on the satellite or JJ Heller’s station on Pandora.  Not really feeling inspired in the music category lately.

nightstand || lots to read!  Platform, $100 Startup, and I’d like to add Freefall to Fly and The Power of Starting Something Stupid.  Gabe and I have started Harry Potter and I’m loving them as much the second time around as the first.  But that’s on his nightstand, not mine.  ;)

workout plan || Just walking right now.  I’d really like to run, but for me to run while pregnant will require a doctor’s note.  And courage.

iphone || podcasts!  I’m still loving Simple Mom and Clickin’ Moms, and I have some NPR On Being and This American Life episodes queued up.

top 5 list || feeling rested, having spare time, kairos moments with my babies, remembering I’m pregnant, dates with Tahd.

bucket list || daring greatly, writing a book, taking my children to other countries, eating more clean, moving to a bigger house in the country.

mind || I need to schedule a haircut…I’m hoping this baby is healthy…I’m worried about our discipline strategy with Gabe and thinking we need to adjust…I’m thinking I need to go to bed!

blogroll || I’m loving Mabel’s House, Chatting At The Sky, Melody Joy, The Pleated Poppy, Simple As That.

walls of your favorite room in your house || I love the collage wall in my dining room.  The dining room isn’t my favorite room (don’t know which room is, actually), but it’s my favorite wall in my house.  I showed a picture of it here.

liquor shelf || um, liquor?  We don’t drink very often.  Pretty sure I have some vodka down there, and probably some wine?

last credit card statement || Zero balances!

screen saver || a picture of a mom and her little girl with a quote from Jen Hatmaker that says, “you will never have this day with your children again.  tomorrow they’ll be a little older than they were today.  this day is a gift.  breathe and notice. smell and touch them.  study their faces and little feet and pay attention.  relish the charms of the present.  enjoy today, mama.  it will be over before you know it.”

tv every night || some sort of reality tv.  Maybe I should be embarrassed to admit it, but it’s often one of the Real Housewives franchises.  I also like Celebrity Apprentice, The Office, and The Voice.

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